being introvert

And it can be lonely inside but that is where I am most of the time. When I look outside through the little viewfinder, the world is big and threatening. As a result of which, I climb back into my shell and take with me whatever it is that I find soothing and safe. But the choices I make are always inaccurate. I invite disasters into my tiny hut. I am now sick because of that. I no longer know what to say and what to feel. I can't even tell if I know what love is other than it being a romantic concept.

As each second clocks by, I feel enclosed, entrenched and bound. By what, I don't know. I stop nearly all artistic expressions because I don't wan't to share. In fact, I feel that I refrain from truly loving because I can't locate more seeds to plant. I am barren, devoid of light.

I quit talking.

surfing board

I have been living unconsciously for a long time. Each event that happened brings about an opening of the heart. The mind becomes less active. Thoughts no longer beat like a drum but sing like a flute. I am going through certain experiences to awaken an embeded truth. People that I meet and fall so deeply in love with, situations that bite into every bit of my body, enemies that drive me to the end of the world and losses that become unbearable to support pass by like fleeting hawks. I am not them. I am not us. I am not anything. I am not this and that. They come and go and I still am. Nothing happened. I am.

the people's princess

Certain people have the charisma and smiles that could launch a thousand ships. Basically, they don't have to do anything. They just have to be; as simple as that. To simply be is a concept difficult to grasp for the majority of the population. It seems easy and it is not a daunting task for someone who is natural at it. But for a practical person that has an inclination toward facts and figures, to be is as hard as hiking Mount Everest in sandals. To him, it is simply illogical.

Some people inspires others with one look. Because that look penetrates to the soul. It is enough to fuel a forgotten dream of the receipient. It is not the makings of the media because people who are true to their hearts, shine through everywhere. They work from within and that is authenticity, which is a value that keeps us going back to them.

A practical person can pretend to be authentically nurturing but very soon, the mask wears down. I am not saying that someone who is factual is pretentious. They are very real and genuine. But their focus are on hard and dry facts, things and objective findings. They forget what is fundamental to everyone of us, the human touch.

For the someone(s) who occasionally come into my life to uplift my declining spirits, I love you. I thank you, the princess of my heart.

a battle of love

For the days I wonder why don't what I want come true, I remind myself that life is great as it is. Look at how lucky we are to be alive, to have caring parents, good friends, decent meals and a comfortable home. Compared with the people living in war striken areas, we have much to be thankful for. Developing countries with high rates of poverty leave their people with no choice but to suffer in hunger and diseases. And yet, knowing the big picture, I can't help but to focus on my tiny problems.

Maybe I feel that there is nothing I can do for them. There is no hope in salvation to regenerate love and compassion in the hearts of status conscious rich nations. We all go on living our lives; I have got my issues, I don't have a job, I can't find a lover, I am not getting a reply from her, I don't care what my parents think, I am gay and so piss off, I an aiming for a scholarship, I am going to win that tournament, I hate my landlord, my colleagues are lazy and so on.

The interesting thing is that we enjoy this seperation between "us" and "them". Because it indirectly gives us power to feel bigger and better than "them" and so, I ought to help them poor souls. Sometimes for every bit of charity we do, it is proper to ponder upon our motivations. The driving point must never be out of self-aggrandizement, to improve one's influence and status. Ultimately, the end result is for us to feel good. Whatever we do in life, to be honest is to make ourselves feel good. Everything we engage in from donating to killing, it is to feel good. It is always me, me and me. We offer our seat to an old lady because it feels good to give-up our right for a better cause. How magnanimous!

So, before we declare love for another, think and re-think, if you should say it to a mirror or to the person?

I didn't lie! I swear!

Your EQ is 167

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

My oh my...167

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

True so true...I write, translate and read law. I love reading too.

You Are 100% Psychic

You are so very psychic. But you already predicted that, didn't you? You have "the gift" - and you use it daily to connect with others. You're very tapped into the world around you... Just make sure to use your powers for good!

Are You Psychic?

Speechless...

Your Vocabulary Score: A

Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary! You must be quite an erudite person.

How's Your Vocabulary?

Oh.... I don't know the meaning of multifarious!

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

What's Your Personality Type?

Writer...hmmm...

G5 says...

The new 007, Daniel Craig looks like Gollum with a Hercules body-built. He is not dashing, good looking, sexy or even cute. He does not have style, is not gentle, romantic, handsome and articulate. So, why Craig as Bond, James Bond?

Let me start by saying that we all make-up Bond to be either the Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan type. To be fair, the films portray him to be so. Bond must always be near perfection. The bad boy that every man wants to be and the every woman wants to have. This is all fine because Bond is an image of how a fearless and high IQ secret agent ought to be. But has he always been like this?

Casino Royale is Ian Fleming's first 007 novel and only now has it been adapted into a film. And so as a novice, Bond is careless, egoistical, rough and unpolished. He is more of a British Secret Service hitman than a secret agent. He lecks the posture and charm of an experienced spy. The story starts of with Bond killing his first two victims, traitors of the service. After completing this mission, he is promoted to the desirable 007 status. Next, he has been assigned his first task, as 007, after much consideration by M when he had shown no dexterity and humility in carrying out his duties.

Bond walks around with a big chip on his shoulders. But, of course, because he is fresh and overtly confident. In Casino Royale, Bond becomes emotional because he has no clue as to what a 007 is, in person. It is a professional job but it involves killing and being new at it, the question of morality plays ruthlessly in his mind.

In other words, Craig did great in portraying an unrefined Bond. He acts tough but is lost most of the time. He defies orders, breaks into M's apartment, busts into an embassy and stops at nothing to prove himself right. He feels pain and in many ways are more realistic compared with the other Bond's characterisations. At the end of the story, it provides for an explanation as to why Bond becomes the man he is in the other series of the novel, which ironically have been made into films first; the womaniser, arrogant, untrusting, suspicious and emotionally detached son of a gun.

Craig is attractive in ways that brought out the other side of Bond that the audience didn't know about. A dashing-handsome Bond would have failed at doing this. The film needed a raw, uncut and elementary image of 007.

G5 believes that the Craig-Bond combination added a human touch to the super-cool Bond character. Last but not least, Craig's muscles are a big bite to chew-on!

似 夢 迷 離

情 痴 總 有 缺 陷 　 情 深 總 要 別 離 　
天 意 愛 弄 人 　 誰 人 可 退 避 ？
時 光 幾 次 錯 漏 　 人 海 幾 次 傳 奇 。
聚 了 又 分 　 愛 情 似 夢 迷 離 ！

如 果 可 以 抉 擇 　 能 否 一 切 暫 停 　
將 我 這 份 情 　 來 重 新 鑑 定 　
誰 逼 使 我 冷 漠 ？ 誰 勾 起 我 共 鳴 ？
沒 法 望 清 這 時 這 份 濃 情 ！

面 對 去 或 留 　 彷 徨 怎 決 定 ？
為 何 熱 戀 不 應 該 愛 慕 的 你 ？
曾 也 盡 努 力 　 求 共 你 一 起 　
無 奈 這 天 意 難 逃 避 ！

流 乾 所 有 眼 淚 　 來 演 一 剎 傳 奇 　
在 歲 月 中 愛 情 繼 續 流 離 。
是 甜 是 苦 　 愛 情 似 夢 迷 離 ！

'bout turn

Left brain
1.identifies words
2.assigns meaning
3.follows rules and schedules
4.interprets
5.factual and detailed
6.emotionally positive
7.analyzes
8.uses symbols & ideas for sensations
9.orderly
10.critical
11.anxious
12.methodical
13.classifies and judges
14.processes sequentially
15.linear
16.objectifies

Right brain
1.identifies patterns
2.assigns value
3.follows daydreams and impulses
4.imagines
5.visual and conceptual
6.emotionally negative
7.synthesizes
8.values sensation for itself
9.spontaneous
10.dreamy
11.suspicious
12.random
13.plays and responds
14.processes simultaneously
15.meandering
16.animates

james morrison

...sometimes I feel so full of love...

...it just comes spilling out...

...it's uncomfortable to see...

...I give it away too easily....

And I know that it's a wonderful world

But I can't feel it right now

Well I thought I was doing well

But I just want to cry now

Well I know it's a wonderful world

From the sky down to the sea

But I can only see it

if...

you

are

here,

here

with

me

excerpt taken from song titled "Wonderful World"

black.gray.white

Part I of the golf tournament is over. I am one shade darker. Part II continues in KL, Monday and three days later, I would have a burnt out tan. I stocked-up bottles of sunblock, UV protection lotion and moisteuriser from Banana Boat to Nivea.

To be honest, this job is very tough and strenuous. I am already half dead. I don't play golf and am not actually in favour of it. Although I know she used to play golf, it does not ignite the slightest wave in me. Sometimes I don't even know why the organisers have to work so hard for a game of golf. They are basically a two-men-and-one-woman team. Yes, and they initiated the beginning of what might be a monumental golf tour in Asia. Big sponsors are coming in and they find great commercial values from their supporting of the tour.

Waking me up from ignorance is a 12 year old boy. He plays golf and is fantastically talented at it. He takes the game seriously and at the same time has fun. He talks about it to me with so much of passion that I felt ashamed of my narrow view regarding the tournament. Then it suddenly hit me that the kid-golfer's ambition is keeping the entire golf arena alive. Without people like him and his father who sacrificed so much for his son's golf education, no one would play golf.

I may not share the same type of passion with him and the organisers, but I experienced their commitment. And it is this commitment that keeps me grounded and focused to my job. It is the very commitment that motivates me to persevere. I may not be able to perceive golf the way the 12 year kid does. But I can look at him the way I do, which is with admiration and respect. For this, life is indeed beautiful.

membrane treatment

I am not home now and I don't feel agitated. Despite what happened today, it did not blemish my spirit. In fact, I am rather enjoying many moments that unfold within them strings of surprises.

For instance, I walked along Orchard road where Takashimaya was parked on my right for 4 times trying to hail a cab. I didn't succeed, of course. Then I called my friend SJ for help. He said to get off Orchard road and try to stop a cab from somewhere else. Good idea! So, I joyfully strolled to Wisma Atria, next to it was the MRT station. I went to Newton and suddenly all the Christmas lights disappeared. In their place were dim shadows of unnoticed trees and plane Jane street lamps. But I still had to que for a cab, at least I was third in line. It was already 10.20pm, even the road looked exhausted after a long day of grinding. Standing behind me were 3 Indonesian ladies, on holidays. We started talking, not to kill time but to just be there with each other like sisters.

Thanks so much SJ, for taking me in for the night.

It will be an adventurous day at the golf course tomorrow, awfully challenging as well. Maybe I am getting old but I prefer a nice and quiet day of writng and translating. Too much of action drains me to the bone. However, I have been secluded lately. I need the sunshine.

Things are not that bad after all because I found the Fila watch that I was looking for. I bought the baby blue version, code number 08! The 06 is way too red-hot for me to handle. It suits someone else better. Blue tranquilises and soothes my soul.

Every time I look at the new watch, I smile.

reflex

I have been angry the whole day. The smallest of thing annoyed me. What seemed to be benign a few hours before suddenly became the most irritating object. It is not that a thing or the people that pissed me off. I don't quite know what brought about this anger. It could be due to the discovering of a lie and it involved money and friendship. However this only occurred much later at night. The discovery merely added to the already fuming heat.

What I feel now is that I am extremely guilty for getting mad. I am more upset because of the guilt that is sawing on every bit of my anger. I am feeling all sorts of mixed emotions from anger to hatred to jealousy and the list of "I shouldn't feel this way bla bla bla" is enlarging the issues.

Awareness without the denial of actual feelings is granting me space to grow. I sit down to watch myself hop from one emotion to another. And each time I do that, I create the most ridiculous reason and story to justify why the entire world is wrong. How much of emphasis have been placed on what I want and demand to generate such thoughts, I wonder.

I find that I must constantly pull my "true self" back to actual reality from a reality that is formed on illusions such that I don't fall for the judgements of others as if it is a true depiction of who I am. In fact, is the "I" a valid subject to focus on?

"I am hurt." It shows that the "I" is seperate from the hurt; that hurt is brought upon me by someone else's actions. But then, I am only hurt if I am hurtABLE. So, who is hurting the "I"?

I am THAT hurt and it is not something that others force on me. I am THAT hurt and it is the only reason why I can get hurt. And once I see it for real and not as an intellectual exercise, I feel it in my guts, I experience how stupid it is to keep on satisfying the "I" that everyone else believes is the real me.

The "I" is an image. The "I" gets hurt very easily because the "I" has very strong pride. What can be done to the "I"? I don't know but I think I have to accept and love my "I" and not feel guilty that I got angry. If love can shift mountains, love can tame the ego.

grace

We very often claim to know a person based on memories. You know, what this person did or didn't do, what was said and what were their reactions in the past. The past sets precedence for the future. These factors formulate for us the characteristics of a person. And if we see a person doing the same thing again and again, it is a norm for us to conclude that he or she will do it forever. It becomes a habit. Habits are acceptable conditioned behaviours. This draws out the dutiful teeth brushing ventures in the morning, at least. And so it becomes a repetitive act of moving a brush up and down in our mouth. We do it because we have been doing it for eons.

But then, can we turn brushing our teeth to not become a habit? Ah, please don't get the idea of not brushing every day but at random. Remember that what becomes stale is not the act itself but the intention. An act becomes boring because we are no longer interested. It is the mind, our thinking that drags boredom into the picture.

Just like in relationships, we get tired of routines because if yesterday was bad, we hope for tomorrow to be better. Should yesterday be better, then tomorrow must be betterER and so on. But how come the person I love is still the same piece of shit? What is wrong with wanting a good, excellent and spectacular future? I don't think it is wrong and I don't think it is right either. If we do stop to ponder, we glaringly notice that TODAY is the future that we hoped for yesterday. Every second becomes the past and future is the next breath we take.

I am not propounding that we should give up on inventing and improving lives. We should engage in such activites even more. But if the future is a fight, then we will compete with each other to secure the betteREST outcomes. On the other hand, if we accept and are aware that the future is only a concept declared by the mind, we will not fight, compete, destroy and control one another. There is nothing to fear. We realise that we create our future in our minds. The focus will then shift from competition to complimenting one another; working together. Because then we also are aware that external factors are excuses used to excert authority over those referred to as weak or wrong.

The next time you determine the character of a person based on events of the past - pause - observe with a fresh mind for surprises that will tear you away from habits.

never say never

I am not giving up on you.

open

I am a passionate, caring, loving and powerful woman.

I am honest and trustworthy.

run the mile

What stands in between a person and her dreams? I think it should be limiting beliefs, the most cruel opinion is I can't do it. Maybe things are not as bad as they are but waiting can rip every cel from my body.

I met a very experienced film producer today. She offered me a chance to shine. It is a fantastic avenue to get real and be involved in an internationally recognised project. It takes more than commitment and confidence. It requires serious dedication. I don't know what I have to contribute but it would mean everything. I am on the team.

Next, someone is trying to write me about a long dead and gone issue, technically. But it is making me feel guilty. I feel very uncomfortable and I ask why? Waiting kills...

november

I am very happy that the month of November is filled with work and excitement. I can't wait for things to happen; film projects, Tarot promotions and spiritual experiences. 2006 is almost ending and I have discovered much more about myself through the various trainings that I attended. I am aware of my bad vibes and how I can create a lot of space for good and positive vibrations to enter.

However, I have to admit that I do miss the days when Sally and Loletta were in KL. Love you two ladies soooooooo much.

love is a wonderfully crazy thing

It is good to admire beauty, but it is neither good nor practical to want to take beauty home, put it on a shelf, and say, "You stay right there." When we see something beautiful, we may begin to want it for ourselves. It may be a dramatic house, it may be a lovely flower, it may be a graceful dancer - we just want it. If this wanting becomes a compulsion, it is likely we will lose what we want so much.

Jealousy comes into a relationship when we try to possess someone for ourselves. It is a very difficult secret to discover: that when we do not want to possess another person selfishly, when we do not make demand after demand, the relationship will grow and last. And it is something we have to learn the hard, hard way. This is the secret of all relationships, not only between husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, but between friend and friend, parents and children. Instead of trying to exact and demand, just give, and give more, and give still more. This is the way to earn love and respect.

E.E.

owtfgfia

Sally & Loletta

the most adorable and lovable women in the world

...having a good time...

for everyone who can't freely love

There will never be a time when I can love you
That day is brightly bleak
Like the dark ways my love grows
Each minute you step further
I am closer to the truth
I will never see you again.

I don't love you because you are beautiful
I don't love you because you are fair
For if I know why I love you
The moon gently flies to the wolf
then the lonesome howling stops -
to a call for an answer home.

I love you because I do and not because I should
In these lines I confess I am a fool
To give my heart to a smile
But not when Romeo kisses Juliet
I don't play his part -
You are not a romance that hangs on a kite.

I love you because you are you
I can't love you because I am me
If I am you and you are me; I wonder -
Would you love me?
Or is this love just to you
Since I am on the other team.

I don't know where I will be
A million years from now
An atomic-burger digested by cosmic storm
Your being glues to my core
The final dance destroys not
Your kindess and trust, my love.

special olympics

A few years ago at the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100 yard dash.

At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with a relish to run the race to the finish and win. All, that is, except one boy who stumbled onthe asphalt, tumbled over a couple of times and began to cry. The other eight heard the boy. They slowed down and looked back. They all turned around and went back. Every one of them.

One girl with Down's Syndrome bent down and kissed himand said, "This will make it better." All nine linked arms and walked across the finish line together.

Everyone in the stadium stood, and the cheering went on for several minutes. People who were there are still telling the story. Why? Because deep down we know one thing.

What matters most in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What truly matters in this life is helping others win, even if it means slowing down and changing our course.