reflex

I have been angry the whole day. The smallest of thing annoyed me. What seemed to be benign a few hours before suddenly became the most irritating object. It is not that a thing or the people that pissed me off. I don't quite know what brought about this anger. It could be due to the discovering of a lie and it involved money and friendship. However this only occurred much later at night. The discovery merely added to the already fuming heat.

What I feel now is that I am extremely guilty for getting mad. I am more upset because of the guilt that is sawing on every bit of my anger. I am feeling all sorts of mixed emotions from anger to hatred to jealousy and the list of "I shouldn't feel this way bla bla bla" is enlarging the issues.

Awareness without the denial of actual feelings is granting me space to grow. I sit down to watch myself hop from one emotion to another. And each time I do that, I create the most ridiculous reason and story to justify why the entire world is wrong. How much of emphasis have been placed on what I want and demand to generate such thoughts, I wonder.

I find that I must constantly pull my "true self" back to actual reality from a reality that is formed on illusions such that I don't fall for the judgements of others as if it is a true depiction of who I am. In fact, is the "I" a valid subject to focus on?

"I am hurt." It shows that the "I" is seperate from the hurt; that hurt is brought upon me by someone else's actions. But then, I am only hurt if I am hurtABLE. So, who is hurting the "I"?

I am THAT hurt and it is not something that others force on me. I am THAT hurt and it is the only reason why I can get hurt. And once I see it for real and not as an intellectual exercise, I feel it in my guts, I experience how stupid it is to keep on satisfying the "I" that everyone else believes is the real me.

The "I" is an image. The "I" gets hurt very easily because the "I" has very strong pride. What can be done to the "I"? I don't know but I think I have to accept and love my "I" and not feel guilty that I got angry. If love can shift mountains, love can tame the ego.