black.gray.white

Part I of the golf tournament is over. I am one shade darker. Part II continues in KL, Monday and three days later, I would have a burnt out tan. I stocked-up bottles of sunblock, UV protection lotion and moisteuriser from Banana Boat to Nivea.

To be honest, this job is very tough and strenuous. I am already half dead. I don't play golf and am not actually in favour of it. Although I know she used to play golf, it does not ignite the slightest wave in me. Sometimes I don't even know why the organisers have to work so hard for a game of golf. They are basically a two-men-and-one-woman team. Yes, and they initiated the beginning of what might be a monumental golf tour in Asia. Big sponsors are coming in and they find great commercial values from their supporting of the tour.

Waking me up from ignorance is a 12 year old boy. He plays golf and is fantastically talented at it. He takes the game seriously and at the same time has fun. He talks about it to me with so much of passion that I felt ashamed of my narrow view regarding the tournament. Then it suddenly hit me that the kid-golfer's ambition is keeping the entire golf arena alive. Without people like him and his father who sacrificed so much for his son's golf education, no one would play golf.

I may not share the same type of passion with him and the organisers, but I experienced their commitment. And it is this commitment that keeps me grounded and focused to my job. It is the very commitment that motivates me to persevere. I may not be able to perceive golf the way the 12 year kid does. But I can look at him the way I do, which is with admiration and respect. For this, life is indeed beautiful.

membrane treatment

I am not home now and I don't feel agitated. Despite what happened today, it did not blemish my spirit. In fact, I am rather enjoying many moments that unfold within them strings of surprises.

For instance, I walked along Orchard road where Takashimaya was parked on my right for 4 times trying to hail a cab. I didn't succeed, of course. Then I called my friend SJ for help. He said to get off Orchard road and try to stop a cab from somewhere else. Good idea! So, I joyfully strolled to Wisma Atria, next to it was the MRT station. I went to Newton and suddenly all the Christmas lights disappeared. In their place were dim shadows of unnoticed trees and plane Jane street lamps. But I still had to que for a cab, at least I was third in line. It was already 10.20pm, even the road looked exhausted after a long day of grinding. Standing behind me were 3 Indonesian ladies, on holidays. We started talking, not to kill time but to just be there with each other like sisters.

Thanks so much SJ, for taking me in for the night.

It will be an adventurous day at the golf course tomorrow, awfully challenging as well. Maybe I am getting old but I prefer a nice and quiet day of writng and translating. Too much of action drains me to the bone. However, I have been secluded lately. I need the sunshine.

Things are not that bad after all because I found the Fila watch that I was looking for. I bought the baby blue version, code number 08! The 06 is way too red-hot for me to handle. It suits someone else better. Blue tranquilises and soothes my soul.

Every time I look at the new watch, I smile.

reflex

I have been angry the whole day. The smallest of thing annoyed me. What seemed to be benign a few hours before suddenly became the most irritating object. It is not that a thing or the people that pissed me off. I don't quite know what brought about this anger. It could be due to the discovering of a lie and it involved money and friendship. However this only occurred much later at night. The discovery merely added to the already fuming heat.

What I feel now is that I am extremely guilty for getting mad. I am more upset because of the guilt that is sawing on every bit of my anger. I am feeling all sorts of mixed emotions from anger to hatred to jealousy and the list of "I shouldn't feel this way bla bla bla" is enlarging the issues.

Awareness without the denial of actual feelings is granting me space to grow. I sit down to watch myself hop from one emotion to another. And each time I do that, I create the most ridiculous reason and story to justify why the entire world is wrong. How much of emphasis have been placed on what I want and demand to generate such thoughts, I wonder.

I find that I must constantly pull my "true self" back to actual reality from a reality that is formed on illusions such that I don't fall for the judgements of others as if it is a true depiction of who I am. In fact, is the "I" a valid subject to focus on?

"I am hurt." It shows that the "I" is seperate from the hurt; that hurt is brought upon me by someone else's actions. But then, I am only hurt if I am hurtABLE. So, who is hurting the "I"?

I am THAT hurt and it is not something that others force on me. I am THAT hurt and it is the only reason why I can get hurt. And once I see it for real and not as an intellectual exercise, I feel it in my guts, I experience how stupid it is to keep on satisfying the "I" that everyone else believes is the real me.

The "I" is an image. The "I" gets hurt very easily because the "I" has very strong pride. What can be done to the "I"? I don't know but I think I have to accept and love my "I" and not feel guilty that I got angry. If love can shift mountains, love can tame the ego.