to the trusted one

Caleb allowed me to see him this time because he says that he begins to trust me. I am not sure what he means by that. It amuses me to see how others have access to his private life. They spend time with him and did everything that a junior swordsman like me wishes to do with the dashing senior who is a five-year-champion at the Musharagi Dojo.

Maybe I shouldn’t generalize. Not every junior swordsman shares my devotion. From the beginning, mine is not blind faith. It means that I have a heart and values of my own. That there are certain actions I do not condone even when the doer is Caleb.

It is very easy to brand me arrogant and rude for at times I refuse to give in to Caleb because reason tells me that he is abusing his position as a celebrity sportsman. Some of the practitioners are aware of his affair with the Master’s sister who is married. It is not entirely fair for me to intervene into the love life of another person and to judge him right or wrong.

Finally, it is not a question of morality based on what society demands and the ritualistic sphere of the sanctity of marriage. I have loved a person I know I shouldn’t have. But I allowed myself the freedom and space to enjoy this feeling of betrayal and to test the limits of loyalty. In the end, it is not about winning and taking possession of a new love. In fact I gained nothing physically except for a few simple presents that we exchanged along the way. It is actually a chance for me to grow and experience the balance of giving and taking. I was faced with the chance to examine my own obsession with kindness, which may very well be a tool that I use to create a debt. What I give in benevolence causes the recipient to feel obligated. And this happens because the gift was not required in the first place. It is just made to form an impression, a positive impression.

Caleb asked me to join him for lunch and I thought I would be excited. I listed down ten questions that I always wanted to ask him about swordsmanship and swords handling techniques. I am not sure what flushed away the excitement and anticipation and if I tried too hard to form a friendship with him.

Well, yes, I did want to be Caleb’s friend but I never intended to be his follower. Although I see that his skills are much higher than mine, I don’t find it justified for him to discriminate and criticize the beginners. His fault finding attitude is nothing short of foolish pride and boiling beneath the surface, insecurity.

Whether I like it or not, Caleb speaks a lot about rules and demands to be respected because it is one of the ways to show our admiration for him. There are many young and impressionable juniors who declare their allegiance and support for him. But Caleb needs to be constantly reassured and when he is totally satisfied that one can be trusted, he allows you into his inner circle, to serve him.

And Caleb is successful at this because he knows that the juniors want to be seen with him, they yearn the flamboyant association. Perhaps, I shouldn’t oversimplify the intentions of the juniors for I am no mind reader. It could be that the juniors just wish for plain recognition from Caleb and they think highly of his achievements. Whatever it is, the basic need to idolize another person is a crucial factor that Caleb uses to amass a group of submissive devotees. Since the admirers claim that they are fond of him, then it is up to them to prove their case. Instead of feeling blessed and thankful for their support, Caleb calls for more evidence because he refuses to reciprocate compassionately to those who admire him. The only way which he can respond to them is to make them work for him and to carry out minion tasks at his pleasure. It is only through the benefits that he reaps from his followers can he can utter a lonely “thank you” to them.

To cover-up his ill intent, Caleb pretends that he is imparting great wisdom of the sword to his admirers. Nevertheless, he is only pointing out their mistakes to reinforce the truth that they need to continue supporting him to learn more, to improve their pathetic selves. Most of the juniors endure his treatment and term it a challenge that the great Caleb posed to them.

No one needs to be controlled, conditioned and taught a set of rules and regulations to solely serve one dictator. In this case, the dictator is Caleb. If Caleb asserts that he is a mentor and leader of the team, his duty is to serve them and to seek and magnify the potential of his team members. It is not for him to demoralize and judge others as weak and useless and he needs to teach them lessons. It is also not training through servitude. This is selfish and mean.

Caleb gets very angry if at the dojo, one drinks the tea served before him. He calls it disrespecting the hero and it is bad manners. I call it bullshit. I call it one man playing God to his subjects and using etiquette to control their behaviour. Tell me if it is really impolite to drink before Caleb does or to eat before one’s parents do? Is it really respect that we are talking about or the fear of punishment and back stabbing from our siblings that stop us from picking the first piece of chicken? In short, it is fear that motivates us to be polite to others. It is a stereotype that one must be polite to be lovable. Again, one is prompted to act and to do things to make others happy so that we gain more than them. Respect is only an issue for the small minded for it is cunningly crafted to exercise one’s power and authority, to feel big and important.

But I strongly believe that other than etiquette and good manners, one’s values and ethics are based on something much potent and selfless. It is something that Caleb will not understand and have a taste of. It is an abstract concept of justice and compassion that is not caused by fear, insecurity, anger and jealousy. It is living in a world that has sufficient abundance for all and from this standpoint; one interacts with everyone in all relationships without being self-righteous.

When I met Caleb for lunch, while he was busy talking to the rest, I took the first sip of tea and helped myself to the sushi. Prudence is wisdom.

the meltdown

My concern is to address certain issues that have been bothering me lately. I woke up one morning realising that I merely think I know. But it is only a belief for if I truly knew, what is the point of thinking? One only needs to think when one is unsure and does not know. When one fully knows, thinking about anything becomes redundant. Thinking and thoughts will not arise. All mental activities cease.

Maybe this is enlightenment, a state of complete bliss that Buddha speaks of vehemently in the Dharma. However, many dangers arise from wanting to reach enlightenment. It is not something that we can reach and become. To become something else means dropping our current habits, ideas, concepts, lifestyles, ideologies and philosophies to change into a new being. Just like taking off a pair of sports shoes and putting on a pair of formal leather shoes to attend a conference. I am no longer casually dressed but become professional in appearance. Alternatively, I can switch camps from being a Buddhist to a Christian or a socialist to a capitalist. In the end, it could still be a play of ideas and words.

As I can be easily attached to my self-interests, it is simply a matter of time that I am attached to being enlightened, to knowing. The catch is this, one that I named a holy trap in disguise, why in the world would anyone seek enlightenment? I am inquiring into this question. In the Diamond Sutta, it was said that enlightenment is only possible because of our human conditions, i.e. our many flaws. Human beings are inherently full of anger, desires and delusions that lead to endless pains and sufferings. And no one wants to suffer and everyone wants to be happy. Following neatly is the calling for one to be compassionate and caring. So, one ought to be kind and polite.

Like I said earlier, it is a holy trap. It is not the fault of any religion or humans' natural frailties, I dare say it is only because we think we know and stop there. Kindness is a tool and so is compassion. It is a description of a burning passion in the hearts of man. Descrptions are purely descriptions. They are not the burning passion itself. Descriptions and tools can be manipulated to control another person; likewise so can kindness and compassion when conditions are tied to any acts of charity. How many times have we extended a dollar or two to a beggar out of pity? But pity and sympathy somewhat comes from the same root, fear. We sympathise probably because we feel that we are luckier and better than the beggar or a man of dignity should be fed a warm meal or I can afford it.

But the question is this, why is anyone better than another just because one has more money and owns a house while the other owns pratically nothing? Isn't it a judgement that we exercise out of our feeling higher in rank and ego than one who we want to see as poorer and unfortunate?

a letter from chief seattle

The President of the United States of America purported to buy a piece of land in the 1800 from Chief Seattle, chief of the Suquamish Indians. And it was alleged that Chief Seattle wrote a letter in reply to the President. While it was said that the letter created an impact to those who read it, I wonder if it is an over statement. Although the letter seems powerful in words, it did not do so in action for man continued to butcher and destroy nature in the name of development. People acknowledge their differences but do not loosen their limitations to embrace one another. But I hope that it has at least planted a seed in the deep consciousness of man to realise that as children of this pale blue dot known as Earth, it is our responsibility to love, care and protect her and each other.

With this, I humbly reproduce the letter for your reading.

"The President in Washington sends word that he wishes to buy our land. But how can you buy or sell the sky? the land? The idea is strange to us. If we do not own the freshness of the air and the sparkle of the water, how can you buy them?

Every part of the earth is sacred to my people. Every shining pine needle, every sandy shore, every mist in the dark woods, every meadow, every humming insect. All are holy in the memory and experience of my people.

We know the sap which courses through the trees as we know the blood that courses through our veins. We are part of the earth and it is part of us. The perfumed flowers are our sisters. The bear, the deer, the great eagle, these are our brothers. The rocky crests, the dew in the meadow, the body heat of the pony, and man all belong to the same family.

The shining water that moves in the streams and rivers is not just water, but the blood of our ancestors. If we sell you our land, you must remember that it is sacred. Each glossy reflection in the clear waters of the lakes tells of events and memories in the life of my people. The water's murmur is the voice of my father's father.

The rivers are our brothers. They quench our thirst. They carry our canoes and feed our children. So you must give the rivers the kindness that you would give any brother.

If we sell you our land, remember that the air is precious to us, that the air shares its spirit with all the life that it supports. The wind that gave our grandfather his first breath also received his last sigh. The wind also gives our children the spirit of life. So if we sell our land, you must keep it apart and sacred, as a place where man can go to taste the wind that is sweetened by the meadow flowers.

Will you teach your children what we have taught our children? That the earth is our mother? What befalls the earth befalls all the sons of the earth.

This we know: the earth does not belong to man, man belongs to the earth. All things are connected like the blood that unites us all. Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.

One thing we know: our God is also your God. The earth is precious to him and to harm the earth is to heap contempt on its creator.

Your destiny is a mystery to us. What will happen when the buffalo are all slaughtered? The wild horses tamed? What will happen when the secret corners of the forest are heavy with the scent of many men and the view of the ripe hills is blotted with talking wires? Where will the thicket be? Gone! Where will the eagle be? Gone! And what is to say goodbye to the swift pony and then hunt? The end of living and the beginning of survival.

When the last red man has vanished with this wilderness, and his memory is only the shadow of a cloud moving across the prairie, will these shores and forests still be here? Will there be any of the spirit of my people left?

We love this earth as a newborn loves its mother's heartbeat. So, if we sell you our land, love it as we have loved it. Care for it, as we have cared for it. Hold in your mind the memory of the land as it is when you receive it. Preserve the land for all children, and love it, as God loves us.

As we are part of the land, you too are part of the land. This earth is precious to us. It is also precious to you.

One thing we know - there is only one God. No man, be he Red man or White man, can be apart. We ARE all brothers after all."

de-composition

This is a story of Richard. To begin with, he is a regular man as what a lot of people love to say, "Hei! I am just human, an ordinary guy. Like everyone else, I am normal." As a result of hearing that, we nod our heads in agreement as if we all fall into the same category of being normal. My question is, what is deemed to be normal and what amounts to novelty? Perhaps it is safe to assume that by doing what everyone else in a community is acting upon means one is normal. And if one does something to the contrary that is not expected, well it becomes a controversy. However, people on the whole have an addiction for the unusual.

Open the newspapers and you find that news, which attract the headlines are totally abnormal. Journalism 101: only report news that are interesting. This means journalists are to write about events that are not everyday happenings. We receive updates on wars, genocide, violence against women, poverty, child abuse, robbery, unexplained phenomena, financial crisis and business growth among others. We don't really get to read about Mr. Richard's daily activities of what he does when he wakes up in the morning until he knocks out at night. In fact we hardly come across write-ups on the peace and beauty of a place unless it is a travel column. This too with the purpose of trying to promote its uniqueness to potential tourists.

If we are to properly observe the way news are reported, our thoughts work on two hypothesis. The first one being, everything that is good, in order, normal, in control, perfect and acceptable based on certain agreed standards whether locally or internationally; they need not be talked about, We are not interested. The next hypothesis is that, we want to know about things that fall out of line, exceed set limits, crazy, unpredictable, a miracle, unacceptable, cruel, oppressive, controversial and just down right immoral. Turn on the tv and you see these cravings blazing and flickering in motion.

We want to know about how people are persecuted in wars because peace is assumed, liberty and freedom are inborn rights. This is what democracy granted to mankind and we enjoy it. And once our rights are transgressed, this is worth writing about and a precious topic to highlight to the world because what is initially mine is taken away. A different cause of event has happened and the rest should know about it.

Now, let's say that Mr. Richard does something weird. It is "weird" because it is a thing the entire country he lives in would not have done. Trust me that reporters will take the first flight out to get to the location to cover this "hot" news. Because this news will sell better than ipods and PSP combine! And this is because readers have a dire need for refreshing and inviting situations, other than what they experience daily. I wouldn't deny that we have noble intentions to find out about certain social issues and the devastations that befall other nations. There are readers who are appalled by news reporting on death and affliction of pain on a living being.

I am merely making a suggestion and I am not playing judge to either the press or the readers. I am inviting you to be aware of the way we think, especially of our fixed ideas on what is right and wrong. There is no need to blame others or most importantly oneself for any misfortunes. Just something to ponder upon. Is there a need to feel blessed and thankful for the pleasure and richness that nurture one's life? I think, there is no need if it comes from the point of view that one is better than some other poor people. Maybe this is only another type of oppression. Perhaps we are only thankful that everything else existed since eons ago and the very beginning for us to be who we are. You are who you are now because everything is the way it is. Then, feel blessed.

What is the story of Richard?

the elegant way

A good friend of mine who is an avid professional photographer looked through some of the pictures I shot and provided some valuable comments. I realised at which part I could improve on and what are the steps that I can take to do so.

For example the photo below, my friend suggested that the orientation can be made better by finding a focus point. The model is pretty but I didn't maximise her beauty. Instead of revealing her entire hand right up to the bend of the elbow, which deviates from her attentiveness and the glow of her eyes, it is artistic composition to pull the attention of viewer to her well proportionate face.

With a cropped version of the same photo, one can straight away focus on her gentle smile and her penetrating stare. Over and above this, a viewer can clearly see her leaving of a signature below her art work. This portrays a kind of completeness and relationship between the object and her actions.

There is much to learn and apply in photography and I am thankful that I have a friend who puts me on the right starting track. There are certain guidelines that I must be aware of, that can be of assistance to my making the photos pleasing to viewers. Nevertheless they remain as guidelines that are flexible, which can be bent and ignored in the name of creativity. But before I embark on being ignorant of such guidelines, it is best for me to learn them well so that I truly understand the art and science of photography.

As another friend voiced out my arrogance, I shall not try to be humble but embrace my ego trip with pride. If this is the way I am, then accept it. What I resist, persists. It is really about time I begin to honestly love myself.

a smile works wonders

I went to the bank today, and one ponders upon the might of technology that gave birth to paperless banking and e-banking. I expected every transaction to be done without delay and with much less hassle. Instead of filling up layers of forms and queuing for hours, all the customers need to do is to bring their I.D. card, get it scanned and plus a few clicks on a touch screen pc; deal concluded.

To my surprise, I witnessed the bank teller requesting customers to write on pages of forms, she having to scribble on three log books and key in some information on an old computer. Before I knew it, at least eight people were seeking her service, me included.

I also noticed how delicate she was at handling the crowd and even though she didn't have the ease of technology by her side, she managed to do everything effortlessly. One could say that she is used to the old system and that she is merely working to earn a salary.

In this case, I beg to differ because I feel that she was enjoying her work tremendously and the existence of high-tech computers could not have mattered very much to her. To her calculators, printers, scanners and thumb drives were accessories. The motherboard is her heart, and in fact that is all one needs. She attended to every customer with the same dedication and responsibility and always with a smile.

Finally, it is people and not machines that create life and make everything worthwhile.

me a tortured genius *faint* give it a try.

You Are 88% Tortured Genius

You totally fit the profile of a tortured genius. You're uniquely brilliant - and completely misunderstood. Not like you really want anyone to understand you anyway. You're pretty happy being an island.

Are You a Tortured Genius?

a helping hand

I take the public transport very often, commuting from Seremban, where I live to Kuala Lumpur, where I work and meet-up with friends. These short travels exposed to me many facets of humanity and in particular would be one long-haired-soft-spoken man and a rather rounded lady. I see them very often at bus stations, train stations and shopping malls.

Both of them, I have helped as in, I gave them money. I know that they are charlatans, conartists and they make a living out of cheating others. They tell the same story about losing their wallets or they forgot to bring cash with them and they are in dire need of buying a ticket to get somewhere because a relative is ill. I wonder if they have such good memory that they remember who they have taken from and who they have not. They probably end up approaching the same person twice!

I am not sure if they know each other, that they belong to a gang or some sort. Well, the reason of my bringing up this story is because I saw the long-haired man today at the Seremban bus station, putting on his act and leveraging on the symphaty of his victim. He managed to ask for RM20.00 from a person who might thought he did an act of kindness.

The long-haired man saw me and perhaps recognised that I was one of his earlier candidates and so quickened his steps.

I am sure both of them will remember me because when I handed them a small amount of money on two unrelated incidents, I said, "I know you are lying to me and you do this all the time. You walk around searching for people to take from them their hard earned money. You tell sad but very unbelievable stories. I want you to remember that one day, if someone genuinely comes to you for help and not like you pretending, you will sincerely extend a helping hand. This is why I am giving you the money."

I really hope the day will come.

reflection

It is very easy to lose one's way and feel extremely depressed. If I were to tell you why, I can't believe the reasons either because ultimately, they are mere stories and excuses.; someone else did this to me and I didn't get what I want. You know, "I want" are two powerful words, whether it is a verb or there exsits an object of desire. The peace and harmony in a group is disturbed by a "mad chicken" who irritates everyone with her arrogance and ignorance. As a result, I want justice to be done and the "mad chicken" taught a lesson. When I examine the issue further, it is about the survival of a group of people who shares a common goal and wanting to keep things safe and predictable. The "mad chicken" disrupts the stability and threatens the position of the group. And the joke is, her actions are judged base on my kind of justice and morality. It is based on what "I want" and what "I want" is in accordance to the common goal of the group. This happens everywhere but I guess it is always important to be forgiving of others because in this instance, someone else is the "mad chicken" but I strongly believe in the eyes of the Queen of Pop, I am also a "mad chicken". Mercy! Mercy!

How simple it is to label and criticise another person because he / she is not behaving in a way that "I want".

within fixed limits

Some time back, many people warned me that I am walking on dangerous grounds. What I want is silly and unrealistic. My question is, does anyone else know what it is that I wish for? Perhaps they only know from their point of view as to what my actions entail. However, they have no idea what my mind intends. Actions can be deceiving because interpretations differ from one person to another. Within fixed limits of understanding, people judge one another and believe themselves right. This is the real danger.

Everyone wants to be right. The human mind is obssessed with everything being either right or wrong. It is very worrying as a wronged view is often criticised and outcasted. I am not saying that murder is right. But what I am saying is that cultural rules are neither right nor wrong. There is a disparity between what is life threatening such as robbing another person and whether a rich boy marrying a young female clerk is acceptable by the standard of the society or not. We must not view all poor people as criminals just as we cannot condemn affluent families to be oppressors.

I think we should first free ourselves from mental conditionings and stop finding so much of pleasure from bitching about others.

Some joys are better expressed in silence as a smile holds more meaning than words.

All the best. I am certain everything will be intently great.

Sorry for not being there this time.

You will always have my support, in every way possible.

the Pearl of the Orient

March 1st - March 5th, 2007

Many thanks to my dear friends Emily, Uzial and Maggie for taking good care of me whenever I am there. It is always fun to be chit-chatting away until early morning.

My love and gratitude to the very special LC. You make the journey memorable.

To T.K , Sean and Vic: Metta. May peace be with you and your family.

For the friends who have been supporting and advising me, you know who you are, I send you my sincere thanks.

looking cool

My hairstylist, Jeff did a good job. I am very happy with the result. He is cautious as if working on a piece of art. Delicate and detailed, he articulately makes sure that not even 0.1 inch of hair sticks out at the wrong spot. Bravo!

I have a date with spring.

Choose love, choose love, choose love.

lo sang hai

The third day of Piggie year and true to its name, I ate like a pig. I met up with Jessica, Belinda, Mr and Mrs Lock to watch Protege (for the second time in two days) at One Utama. And when Jess and me are at One U, we must snack at Shi Lin. It is a tiny Taiwanese street-food-shop specialising in XXL crispy chicken, seafood tempura and the localised seafood mee-sua. Later we pop over to Karen's place for a while. At 6.30pm we were busy eating crabs.

Rainbow-coloured-raw fish.
Curry Crab
Salted-egg crab
what was a plate of salted-egg crab
it used to be a plate of curry crab

Bel, Karen and Ca in action! Stir stir stir...

Happy Lunar New Year! Wishing you the best of health & endless abundance.

My dear LC! I have to get back to you (and not without tears in my eyes too). Thank you sincerely. Sometimes I wish things were slightly different. But perhaps everything is more precious and memorable now because of the circumstances we are in. Nevertheless, I really appreciate what you have done for me. Thanks, you are lovely.

I want you to know that you have given me a special gift, and certainly not a small potato creation!

But I love being your YOUR small potato. :-)

don't look back

As I walked through dark tunnels of the Underworld, where the soul goes to upon death, I felt sad and at the same time excited. I was sad because it invoked certain memories of the beloved departed. Somehow along the journey, I realise that I was excited because I was experiencing my own demise!

I know, this is pretty gloomy and no one wants to die. But tonight, at what was formerly known as the Majestic Hotel situated near the old railway station, an experiencial play was being staged. It was not strictly about death, but the fear of losing someone we love and how we wish we could negotiate for their immortality with whoever is in-charged. And thus, inspired from the Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, a broken hearted husband (Orpheus) took the challenge to retrive the soul of his wife who died on their wedding day. And so he embarked on this forbidden journey to the Underworld.

This is where two other audience and I participated in this role-playing-theatre performance. At each session, 3 persons are allowed to enter the four-storey building to watch the play. Each room is dimly lit, film and pictures were flashed on the wall at certain areas and actors would interact with us when needed. All of these to get us directly involved in the story and emotions. We had to physically walk through the play and not just sit to watch it. We could pause if we wanted to pay attention to little details, all at our own pace. Of course, Majestic Hotel is a worn down colonial building that was already spooky enough!

At times, I wasn't sure if I was the bereaved husband or the poor wife or a detached spectator. It was indeed a good time to reflect on what my purpose in life was. If tonight was my death, it would be meaningful, I guess.

In the Greek myth, Orpheus was granted his wish of bringing Eurydice's soul with him but on one condition. On their journey home, he is not to look back under whatever circumstances. However, Orpheus couldn't tolerate not knowing if his wife was following behind and so he turned. Immediately, right before his eyes, his wife's soul was sucked back into the Underworld. They were seperated forever.

This reveals to us that we always live in the past, holding on to memories and images of yesterdays. To the other extreme, we aspire to a future that is yet to come. But life is now, this very moment and we very often miss the living moment. Just like Orpheus who had to look back and he did so by paying a huge price.

I would strongly recommend everyone to experience this play. Well, it can be quite spooky but nothing horrific will ever happen. If you are scared, perhaps it shows as to how you have been living life. If you are bold and cocky, perhaps this is the way you handle every situation in your life, with much pride and arrogance. If you don't feel anything, then...

But whatever it is, don't look back.

Details about the play:

This play was first shown in the UK and has been on tour in the UK itself for eight times. This is the first stop outside its native country and also the first show in Asia.

Price of ticket:

RM30 and RM15 for senior citizens

Please book in advance. Call the British Council at 03 2723 7988.

The play runs from Feb 2nd, 2007 - Feb 11th, 2007 @ 8pm - 10pm.

higher & lower

It was one of those train rides that lasted for hours, although I travel on the same route home every night after work. But tonight, I feel uninvitingly tired and I gave up on reading the new book I bought. Words starting dancing on the pages like stunted ballerinas. What was missing was Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake.

Still cluthing the book in my hands, I looked out the window. Black, very black. That was all I saw. Sometimes in such darkness, you tend to forget that creatures and beings exist beyond the little train compartment. Until the first strike of imagination leaps straight at you from a scene of a horror movie. It could be something as classic as Nightmare on Elm's Street to the disgustingly new Thai-Japanese-Korean made flicks.

Then very quickly, you would try to hide the thoughts. Firstly because it scares the shit out of you and secondly, someone else might know that an extremely fake lizard monster from a B-grade Thai film could keep you awake at night.

What do you do? Well, since I am holding a book in my hand, I immediately start reading as if I have been whipped. Alternatively, for the bookless ones, they pretend to check their mobile phones for messages or rummage through their bags. And one more thing, never to look out the black, black window again.

Dear ...,

I have asked a lot from you without my knowing it. I am sorry. All this while, I thought only of what I want, which is your friendship. I truly believed that by earnestly giving, it was enough. But then it is not. I am so wrong. Because at the end of the day, it is your choice. It takes two to initiate a relationship.

By giving, caring and loving you, I have created a situation that pushes you to react. I wanted you to respond to my love. Maybe, I am not that sincere after all. Your action may cause you to do something that could upset or hurt another person. I should never put you in this position. And, I must never hurt the other person too.

Your happiness matters the most. I am not making a sacrifice and feeling great about it. But if I truly love and care for you; love is not about possessing someone and ownership. We shared some good moments together and that was it. When the time and opportunity comes, we could move on. But to force the opportunity to come, it is selfish because it is unfair to you. I didn't think about what it is that you want and was it possible on your side to make it happen.

Now, I stand by your side in silence. Should the day come, I am forever ready to be a friend.

Thank you for showing me the right path.

Love always,

Wendy

So, it is clear that I am not free. It is also apparent that I am giving too much than what the other can receive. This is why I am not getting a respond, although I sincerely provide love and care. Nevertheless, these givings are not solicited and therefore not required in the first place. But when I do give, I am being forceful because the other feels obligated to be courteous, maybe even irritated.

Stop pushing myself into the space of another. Release the energy so that I won't feel drained and depleted.

I am very tired.

Avoid temptations to withdraw into yourself. Rather than building a relationship on fantasy, make a commitment to create real love.