higher & lower

It was one of those train rides that lasted for hours, although I travel on the same route home every night after work. But tonight, I feel uninvitingly tired and I gave up on reading the new book I bought. Words starting dancing on the pages like stunted ballerinas. What was missing was Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake.

Still cluthing the book in my hands, I looked out the window. Black, very black. That was all I saw. Sometimes in such darkness, you tend to forget that creatures and beings exist beyond the little train compartment. Until the first strike of imagination leaps straight at you from a scene of a horror movie. It could be something as classic as Nightmare on Elm's Street to the disgustingly new Thai-Japanese-Korean made flicks.

Then very quickly, you would try to hide the thoughts. Firstly because it scares the shit out of you and secondly, someone else might know that an extremely fake lizard monster from a B-grade Thai film could keep you awake at night.

What do you do? Well, since I am holding a book in my hand, I immediately start reading as if I have been whipped. Alternatively, for the bookless ones, they pretend to check their mobile phones for messages or rummage through their bags. And one more thing, never to look out the black, black window again.

Dear ...,

I have asked a lot from you without my knowing it. I am sorry. All this while, I thought only of what I want, which is your friendship. I truly believed that by earnestly giving, it was enough. But then it is not. I am so wrong. Because at the end of the day, it is your choice. It takes two to initiate a relationship.

By giving, caring and loving you, I have created a situation that pushes you to react. I wanted you to respond to my love. Maybe, I am not that sincere after all. Your action may cause you to do something that could upset or hurt another person. I should never put you in this position. And, I must never hurt the other person too.

Your happiness matters the most. I am not making a sacrifice and feeling great about it. But if I truly love and care for you; love is not about possessing someone and ownership. We shared some good moments together and that was it. When the time and opportunity comes, we could move on. But to force the opportunity to come, it is selfish because it is unfair to you. I didn't think about what it is that you want and was it possible on your side to make it happen.

Now, I stand by your side in silence. Should the day come, I am forever ready to be a friend.

Thank you for showing me the right path.

Love always,

Wendy

So, it is clear that I am not free. It is also apparent that I am giving too much than what the other can receive. This is why I am not getting a respond, although I sincerely provide love and care. Nevertheless, these givings are not solicited and therefore not required in the first place. But when I do give, I am being forceful because the other feels obligated to be courteous, maybe even irritated.

Stop pushing myself into the space of another. Release the energy so that I won't feel drained and depleted.

I am very tired.

Avoid temptations to withdraw into yourself. Rather than building a relationship on fantasy, make a commitment to create real love.

You Are 30% Left Brained, 70% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

memo

That which you keep and hold onto you lose. Go for everything with 100% dedication but if the results are not what were desired, be equally happy. OK, complain and scream for one day and then move on. Because defeat is not permenant and neither is success. Defeat and success only become fixed when we make it so. But holding onto either defeat or success will only cause one to miss the passing breeze.

This is just a reminder. Sometimes what I give, I admit that I also hope for a little recognition and response. I want love too. I need love. To be specific, I want your love. If the entire universe is spiritually linked, I know you feel me. I have faith.

Good night and moving along.

infinity

A life with love will have some thorns but a life without love will have no rose.

Most of the time when we pursue what we desire or like, we get very protective and defensive. Proctective of ourselves so that we won't be hurt, rejected and humiliated. Before we go about taking the first step, we already set many limitations. I love you if you promise to listen to all I say or I love you if you don't cause me pain. An endless list of conditions are placed upon the one we profess to love. Likewise, the ones who claim to love us also place on us such conditions. As you can see, we are all working on terms and conditions, like in a contract. What we fail to do is to understand that love is not conditional. When we set one simple condition of you must be like this or that, we no longer love a person but dictate to him or her to be our puppet on a string. In turn we become their puppets on a string and the thug-of-war begins. The one whose string snaps first will then be submissive to the stronger partner. Therefore in truth, we have only deprived ourselves from being loved.

And we defend the one we love from others. No one can get near because it is a threat to the relationship or is in breach of certain protocols. Again, we have cut ourselves dry from love because we are defending our territory as if it is a thing to possess. As a result, we block the flow of love from enriching our lives with peace and happiness.

...

Today is not an ordinary day because I made it different. I look just like before, a cross between Lydia Sum and if I centre-part my hair, very much like TF. I have a group of friends who won't stop teasing perhaps until I lose weight. However, they don't mean any harm. It is only a sign of bonding among friends.

Well what is so different about today is that I noticed how much I love creating pictures and writing stories. But of course I have been involved in the tiniest way possible in video productions and creative writing. It is today that I see myself doing this for the rest of my life. What hit me , I don't quite know. I have become so accustomed to scripting, camera works and editing that I could dictate them in my sleep.

Then, today I unlearn all that I know so that I don't become proud. It is dangerous when I stop learning on the basis that there is nothing more and it means I stop growing too. Everything I do now is fresh and it was as if I am doing it for the first time. That I have never held a camera before. There was something else inside, something familiar and at the same time novel. It is the end of boredom because every second regenerates itself in a new birth.

With this realisation, the works that my godparents bestow upon me have much more meaning. The path clears on its own. I see a road now. Compassion and love sealed on my heart.

Finally, life begins and ends in a single breath.

novice

A new blog to share pictures.

http://imagemaestro.blogspot.com/

artistically free

the school of athens

my hope-to-be sweetheart that I can't afford
introducing my darling nikki D8O

From oil painting to digital photography, it is not the tool but the man behind that creates art. There is a lot of difference between admiring a picture and personally making it. Having an opportunity to partake in an act of creation is highly rewarding spiritually.

I am fairly new to DSLR and am having lots of fun already learning about it. Firstly, it is to build a system well within my budget and needs. Setting the budget is not really the issue but to know which particular brand and model can perform what functions can be daunting. And to begin with, I have to study the functions from ISO to shutter speed. Next, comes the type of lens; the standard focal, zoom, telephoto and macro and what each type of lens can do. If I have not blurted enough jargons, this is because I have forgotten 1/4 of the stuff I read and also fear that you might kick me in the face.

The hours of research that went into the purchasing of a DSLR are much longer than anticipated. Perhaps it is not a cheap investment but mostly due to the curiousity and urge for knowledge. It somehow tickles me to be aware of how a picture is made and the technology in support of it. And it also burdens me to know that I don't know so much. However, the process of learning is always very enjoyable and exciting.

How eager are men to capture crucial moments in their life. One simple image tells a million stories!

Welcome to the world of pictures. Time in still mode.

wings

My Inner Hero - Paladin!

I strive to help others, and to bring truth and harmony to the world however I can. Whether times are good or bad, you can always count on me. I'm a shoulder to cry on, a champion for the helpless, and an all around nice person.

Profile:

...Above all, you love helping others and bringing a little light to the world wherever you can. You have strong artistic talent, even if you haven't discovered it yet. You aren't a social butterfly, but the friendships you have tend to be long-lasting and devoted. You feel a deep sense of contentment when you have the opportunity to show someone how much you care. You seek out peace, beauty, and harmony wherever you can find it...

Mission:

...You were put on this earth to help others. They will trust you, because they are attracted to your sincerity, your kindness, and your willingness to do what's right. You are the one who has to stand up for the little guy, because everyone else is too busy looking after number one....

How about you? Click here to find your own inner hero

Note: It is truly a meaningful coincidence that I found out about my inner hero being a Paladin after writing an article on love and care. See below for posting titled "resolution 77".

resolution 77

Love begets love. First extend genuine love and only then, would love come to you. If you expect and demand to be loved, then you fall from love. You don’t love her more if she is good to you and you don’t love her less if she rejects you. This is not genuine love but indisputable selfishness.

A gift given from the heart does not ask for anything in return. It is the joy of giving and sharing that gives meaning to a box wrapped in ribbons. Or else, it is merely a box wrapped in ribbons with something inside. Then it becomes not a gift but a contractual obligation of “I give you a thing for something in return.” It could be for recognition, a title, a sense of belonging and nothing less than trying to ingratiate into someone’s life for rewards and profits. It is insincere if it makes you feel proud that someone received your gift. It is hideous if you believe that the gift wins favours.

You give a gift because it is a way to show that you care enough; your desired intention to be there for this very special person. It is the same as stopping to help an old lady to cross the street. You be there for her at the time she needs someone. You drop your duty and status as a lawyer, accountant, Muslim, Senator or whatever and let kindness and love take over. You pay your compassion forward, you earnestly give. Something much deeper and ancient fills your entire body; it is in fact a familiar feeling from way down. You were once swimming in love and compassion when you were a child. But duties and social standing as an adult make you forget and uncomfortable to show your sensitivity. This is a gift you can offer to humanity. Make someone feel happy and appreciated.

Acceptance by this person is not a condition, only your genuine love for her is.

Thanks for caring.

2006 is a great year of self-discovery. I never learned so much about myself and accepted who I am unconditionally until I love the introvert that is lodged deep within. It is only when I know myself can I live the external the best way without freaking out.

2006 is a great year of love. I loved and loved and loved and loved so hard, it hurts. Though, I am not complaining because there is someone special who gives me strength. Strength of another kind. It is always fine to be gentle, soft and graceful. So much of energy in tenderness.

2006 is a great year of living dangerously...

2007 is a great year of spiritual growth. It is a great year to love and to be loved. It is a great year to live life in abundance.

Happy New Year! May you be blessed with love, joy, good health and prosperity. Cheers to personal development!

blown away

Please spare me time to mourn for the loss of someone I am not sure how to describe. As the last few seconds of Christmas day tick away, so does my hope. It is over. The wind carried with it the last chance for a miracle to occur. Everything should have ended that day. But I persisted and insisted until today. Finally, it cracked and reality shone through. Perhaps the wind took with it fanciful clouds that blocked the sun or did it reveal darker layers of flickering storm?

If this is a story, a film, can I write the ending I want? Maybe I just want to start again.

HaPpY ChRiStMaS

May your days be merry and bright.

May your life be filled with light.

May love put an end to all worldly fights.

flower.dragon.wits

It is a tragedy and to an extent, a comedy. Because it is funny that director Zhang Yimou does not understand that endlessly long battle scenes with blinding golden sets can be boring. Although metaphorically, golden flowers may signify the fragile and imperfect royal family, an over used idea is as good as not making sense at all. It is a meaningful script that makes a film worthwhile and not impressive casts, costumes and CGI. However, I must admit that Curse of the Golden Flower has its moments. I am not refering to the over-flowing bosoms although those are sinfully enticing.

A Shakespearean-type tragedy, which is the spirit of this film is true of a power-seeking man to not even trust his wife and sons. Take away the exaggerrated costumes and armors, we have a neglected and demanted wife who desires the company of her step son. She plans to overthrow her husband's rule by emotionally blackmailing her biological son to revolt agaisnt his own father. A husband who runs his kingdom with an iron fist leads to his own destruction. The forgotten and unloved youngest son plots to seek revenge by killing the eldest crown prince. While on the other hand, the crown prince is a useless and horny coward.

Bring all these characters together, we have a comical tragedy. A whole lot of mess here and only if Zhang Yimou didn't spend ample time and effort on special effects and perfecting golden flowers; do away with countless lengthy scenes of exquisite palace life, but injected in more characterisations and down play the stereotypes of a dysfunctional family, he would have directed a golden film.

Fine, I give credit where it is due. Eragon, the novel was written by 15 year old Christopher Paolini. He is 22 now and is about to complete book 3 of the Eragon trilogy. I would say that Jeremy Irons who plays a defeated dragon rider and mentor to Eragon, Brom saved the movie where acting is concern. John Malkovich had way too little scenes to do anything else but to be desperately angry.

This is a typical story of a poor farm boy who is called to an unwanted adventure, like that of Luke Skywalker. However, he is destined to unite mankind against evil. He is bestowed with powers or force and in the case of Eragon, a dragon named Saphira and a magic sword, Zaroc. It also reminds me of Spiderman whereby Peter Parker caused the death of his uncle because he let free a robber who came into his path. The robber took money from a manager who refused to pay Peter the agreed sum. Now, we have Eragon who by chance found a dragon egg that brought upon death to his uncle when the cruel king, Galbatorix (John Malkovich) ambushed his house looking for it and his uncle died in his stead. I somehow find this idea to be cliche. And so, the adventure of Eragon and Saphira continues.

I admit that there is one scene from the film that I personally find emotionally evoking. Brom suffers a deadly wound as a result of Eragon's arrogance. And Saphira intimated to Eragon that as a dragon rider, Brom is to die with pride. Brom was placed on Saphira and they both took off into the air with grace and finally, Brom exhaled his last breath on the back of a dragon.

Meaningful battles, if there is such a sad irony. A Battle of Wits speaks of the Mozi philosophy of universal love and inaction. Set during the period of the warring states in China, men, women and children served the warlords and kings like slaves. Every state wants to defeat the other. Battles in the name of peace, were inevitable. As Mozi Ge Li, the lead character of this film said, "Is there anyone who dies in a war that is not innocent? Isn't an enemy human too?"

Mozi Ge Li was stationed to defend the tiny City Liang against the attacks of the State of Zhou. Through this battle, he realises that war will not lead to peace because as his enemies perished in the flames of his wits, so did his soul.

I recommend this film to people who care enough about peace, unity and love. Even if you don't like Andy Lau or are of the opinion that he is over rated, this film has strong story depths that gets you thinking about the world and its currently warring state.

being alive

Imagine eating an over-sized burger and actually eating the towering-foodscraper are two different things. I am sure you know for certain that I don't get to sniff the burger if no one prepared it for me. People work hard to get things done in every aspect. The fact is that I paid for my food but I won't go as far as to ignore and forget the genuine people behind the cooking scenes.

I send my thanks to Judy for allowing me to help in an amazing production, for without her I would not have had the chance to witness and to participate in the making of an adventurous epic. Nothing like tasting film-making first hand.

My sincere appreciation to Bill, the story producer that I was assisting, for teaching me many things about story-telling and creating an effective emotion in a scene. Thank you for being ever so kind and caring. Somehow I feel that you looked after me much more that my looking after you.

The crew was highly dedicated to their work. I have never worked with a group of people that had so much of tenacity, passion and enthusiasm for film-making. The cameras were constantly ready, the soundman made sure voices were recorded loud and clear and everyone literally loved what they were doing.

Now I understand what it takes to give birth to works of incalculable artistic value. Two things and they are passion and selflessness. It happens when the person doing the work ceases to exist. It is never for "what do i get out of this?" and "would doing this make me happy?" In other words, work is done not due to personal glory, to feel good and for status, but for a higher unknown reason. It is being alive for its own sake.

being introvert

And it can be lonely inside but that is where I am most of the time. When I look outside through the little viewfinder, the world is big and threatening. As a result of which, I climb back into my shell and take with me whatever it is that I find soothing and safe. But the choices I make are always inaccurate. I invite disasters into my tiny hut. I am now sick because of that. I no longer know what to say and what to feel. I can't even tell if I know what love is other than it being a romantic concept.

As each second clocks by, I feel enclosed, entrenched and bound. By what, I don't know. I stop nearly all artistic expressions because I don't wan't to share. In fact, I feel that I refrain from truly loving because I can't locate more seeds to plant. I am barren, devoid of light.

I quit talking.

surfing board

I have been living unconsciously for a long time. Each event that happened brings about an opening of the heart. The mind becomes less active. Thoughts no longer beat like a drum but sing like a flute. I am going through certain experiences to awaken an embeded truth. People that I meet and fall so deeply in love with, situations that bite into every bit of my body, enemies that drive me to the end of the world and losses that become unbearable to support pass by like fleeting hawks. I am not them. I am not us. I am not anything. I am not this and that. They come and go and I still am. Nothing happened. I am.

the people's princess

Certain people have the charisma and smiles that could launch a thousand ships. Basically, they don't have to do anything. They just have to be; as simple as that. To simply be is a concept difficult to grasp for the majority of the population. It seems easy and it is not a daunting task for someone who is natural at it. But for a practical person that has an inclination toward facts and figures, to be is as hard as hiking Mount Everest in sandals. To him, it is simply illogical.

Some people inspires others with one look. Because that look penetrates to the soul. It is enough to fuel a forgotten dream of the receipient. It is not the makings of the media because people who are true to their hearts, shine through everywhere. They work from within and that is authenticity, which is a value that keeps us going back to them.

A practical person can pretend to be authentically nurturing but very soon, the mask wears down. I am not saying that someone who is factual is pretentious. They are very real and genuine. But their focus are on hard and dry facts, things and objective findings. They forget what is fundamental to everyone of us, the human touch.

For the someone(s) who occasionally come into my life to uplift my declining spirits, I love you. I thank you, the princess of my heart.

a battle of love

For the days I wonder why don't what I want come true, I remind myself that life is great as it is. Look at how lucky we are to be alive, to have caring parents, good friends, decent meals and a comfortable home. Compared with the people living in war striken areas, we have much to be thankful for. Developing countries with high rates of poverty leave their people with no choice but to suffer in hunger and diseases. And yet, knowing the big picture, I can't help but to focus on my tiny problems.

Maybe I feel that there is nothing I can do for them. There is no hope in salvation to regenerate love and compassion in the hearts of status conscious rich nations. We all go on living our lives; I have got my issues, I don't have a job, I can't find a lover, I am not getting a reply from her, I don't care what my parents think, I am gay and so piss off, I an aiming for a scholarship, I am going to win that tournament, I hate my landlord, my colleagues are lazy and so on.

The interesting thing is that we enjoy this seperation between "us" and "them". Because it indirectly gives us power to feel bigger and better than "them" and so, I ought to help them poor souls. Sometimes for every bit of charity we do, it is proper to ponder upon our motivations. The driving point must never be out of self-aggrandizement, to improve one's influence and status. Ultimately, the end result is for us to feel good. Whatever we do in life, to be honest is to make ourselves feel good. Everything we engage in from donating to killing, it is to feel good. It is always me, me and me. We offer our seat to an old lady because it feels good to give-up our right for a better cause. How magnanimous!

So, before we declare love for another, think and re-think, if you should say it to a mirror or to the person?