Thanks for caring.

2006 is a great year of self-discovery. I never learned so much about myself and accepted who I am unconditionally until I love the introvert that is lodged deep within. It is only when I know myself can I live the external the best way without freaking out.

2006 is a great year of love. I loved and loved and loved and loved so hard, it hurts. Though, I am not complaining because there is someone special who gives me strength. Strength of another kind. It is always fine to be gentle, soft and graceful. So much of energy in tenderness.

2006 is a great year of living dangerously...

2007 is a great year of spiritual growth. It is a great year to love and to be loved. It is a great year to live life in abundance.

Happy New Year! May you be blessed with love, joy, good health and prosperity. Cheers to personal development!

blown away

Please spare me time to mourn for the loss of someone I am not sure how to describe. As the last few seconds of Christmas day tick away, so does my hope. It is over. The wind carried with it the last chance for a miracle to occur. Everything should have ended that day. But I persisted and insisted until today. Finally, it cracked and reality shone through. Perhaps the wind took with it fanciful clouds that blocked the sun or did it reveal darker layers of flickering storm?

If this is a story, a film, can I write the ending I want? Maybe I just want to start again.

HaPpY ChRiStMaS

May your days be merry and bright.

May your life be filled with light.

May love put an end to all worldly fights.

flower.dragon.wits

It is a tragedy and to an extent, a comedy. Because it is funny that director Zhang Yimou does not understand that endlessly long battle scenes with blinding golden sets can be boring. Although metaphorically, golden flowers may signify the fragile and imperfect royal family, an over used idea is as good as not making sense at all. It is a meaningful script that makes a film worthwhile and not impressive casts, costumes and CGI. However, I must admit that Curse of the Golden Flower has its moments. I am not refering to the over-flowing bosoms although those are sinfully enticing.

A Shakespearean-type tragedy, which is the spirit of this film is true of a power-seeking man to not even trust his wife and sons. Take away the exaggerrated costumes and armors, we have a neglected and demanted wife who desires the company of her step son. She plans to overthrow her husband's rule by emotionally blackmailing her biological son to revolt agaisnt his own father. A husband who runs his kingdom with an iron fist leads to his own destruction. The forgotten and unloved youngest son plots to seek revenge by killing the eldest crown prince. While on the other hand, the crown prince is a useless and horny coward.

Bring all these characters together, we have a comical tragedy. A whole lot of mess here and only if Zhang Yimou didn't spend ample time and effort on special effects and perfecting golden flowers; do away with countless lengthy scenes of exquisite palace life, but injected in more characterisations and down play the stereotypes of a dysfunctional family, he would have directed a golden film.

Fine, I give credit where it is due. Eragon, the novel was written by 15 year old Christopher Paolini. He is 22 now and is about to complete book 3 of the Eragon trilogy. I would say that Jeremy Irons who plays a defeated dragon rider and mentor to Eragon, Brom saved the movie where acting is concern. John Malkovich had way too little scenes to do anything else but to be desperately angry.

This is a typical story of a poor farm boy who is called to an unwanted adventure, like that of Luke Skywalker. However, he is destined to unite mankind against evil. He is bestowed with powers or force and in the case of Eragon, a dragon named Saphira and a magic sword, Zaroc. It also reminds me of Spiderman whereby Peter Parker caused the death of his uncle because he let free a robber who came into his path. The robber took money from a manager who refused to pay Peter the agreed sum. Now, we have Eragon who by chance found a dragon egg that brought upon death to his uncle when the cruel king, Galbatorix (John Malkovich) ambushed his house looking for it and his uncle died in his stead. I somehow find this idea to be cliche. And so, the adventure of Eragon and Saphira continues.

I admit that there is one scene from the film that I personally find emotionally evoking. Brom suffers a deadly wound as a result of Eragon's arrogance. And Saphira intimated to Eragon that as a dragon rider, Brom is to die with pride. Brom was placed on Saphira and they both took off into the air with grace and finally, Brom exhaled his last breath on the back of a dragon.

Meaningful battles, if there is such a sad irony. A Battle of Wits speaks of the Mozi philosophy of universal love and inaction. Set during the period of the warring states in China, men, women and children served the warlords and kings like slaves. Every state wants to defeat the other. Battles in the name of peace, were inevitable. As Mozi Ge Li, the lead character of this film said, "Is there anyone who dies in a war that is not innocent? Isn't an enemy human too?"

Mozi Ge Li was stationed to defend the tiny City Liang against the attacks of the State of Zhou. Through this battle, he realises that war will not lead to peace because as his enemies perished in the flames of his wits, so did his soul.

I recommend this film to people who care enough about peace, unity and love. Even if you don't like Andy Lau or are of the opinion that he is over rated, this film has strong story depths that gets you thinking about the world and its currently warring state.

being alive

Imagine eating an over-sized burger and actually eating the towering-foodscraper are two different things. I am sure you know for certain that I don't get to sniff the burger if no one prepared it for me. People work hard to get things done in every aspect. The fact is that I paid for my food but I won't go as far as to ignore and forget the genuine people behind the cooking scenes.

I send my thanks to Judy for allowing me to help in an amazing production, for without her I would not have had the chance to witness and to participate in the making of an adventurous epic. Nothing like tasting film-making first hand.

My sincere appreciation to Bill, the story producer that I was assisting, for teaching me many things about story-telling and creating an effective emotion in a scene. Thank you for being ever so kind and caring. Somehow I feel that you looked after me much more that my looking after you.

The crew was highly dedicated to their work. I have never worked with a group of people that had so much of tenacity, passion and enthusiasm for film-making. The cameras were constantly ready, the soundman made sure voices were recorded loud and clear and everyone literally loved what they were doing.

Now I understand what it takes to give birth to works of incalculable artistic value. Two things and they are passion and selflessness. It happens when the person doing the work ceases to exist. It is never for "what do i get out of this?" and "would doing this make me happy?" In other words, work is done not due to personal glory, to feel good and for status, but for a higher unknown reason. It is being alive for its own sake.

being introvert

And it can be lonely inside but that is where I am most of the time. When I look outside through the little viewfinder, the world is big and threatening. As a result of which, I climb back into my shell and take with me whatever it is that I find soothing and safe. But the choices I make are always inaccurate. I invite disasters into my tiny hut. I am now sick because of that. I no longer know what to say and what to feel. I can't even tell if I know what love is other than it being a romantic concept.

As each second clocks by, I feel enclosed, entrenched and bound. By what, I don't know. I stop nearly all artistic expressions because I don't wan't to share. In fact, I feel that I refrain from truly loving because I can't locate more seeds to plant. I am barren, devoid of light.

I quit talking.

surfing board

I have been living unconsciously for a long time. Each event that happened brings about an opening of the heart. The mind becomes less active. Thoughts no longer beat like a drum but sing like a flute. I am going through certain experiences to awaken an embeded truth. People that I meet and fall so deeply in love with, situations that bite into every bit of my body, enemies that drive me to the end of the world and losses that become unbearable to support pass by like fleeting hawks. I am not them. I am not us. I am not anything. I am not this and that. They come and go and I still am. Nothing happened. I am.

the people's princess

Certain people have the charisma and smiles that could launch a thousand ships. Basically, they don't have to do anything. They just have to be; as simple as that. To simply be is a concept difficult to grasp for the majority of the population. It seems easy and it is not a daunting task for someone who is natural at it. But for a practical person that has an inclination toward facts and figures, to be is as hard as hiking Mount Everest in sandals. To him, it is simply illogical.

Some people inspires others with one look. Because that look penetrates to the soul. It is enough to fuel a forgotten dream of the receipient. It is not the makings of the media because people who are true to their hearts, shine through everywhere. They work from within and that is authenticity, which is a value that keeps us going back to them.

A practical person can pretend to be authentically nurturing but very soon, the mask wears down. I am not saying that someone who is factual is pretentious. They are very real and genuine. But their focus are on hard and dry facts, things and objective findings. They forget what is fundamental to everyone of us, the human touch.

For the someone(s) who occasionally come into my life to uplift my declining spirits, I love you. I thank you, the princess of my heart.

a battle of love

For the days I wonder why don't what I want come true, I remind myself that life is great as it is. Look at how lucky we are to be alive, to have caring parents, good friends, decent meals and a comfortable home. Compared with the people living in war striken areas, we have much to be thankful for. Developing countries with high rates of poverty leave their people with no choice but to suffer in hunger and diseases. And yet, knowing the big picture, I can't help but to focus on my tiny problems.

Maybe I feel that there is nothing I can do for them. There is no hope in salvation to regenerate love and compassion in the hearts of status conscious rich nations. We all go on living our lives; I have got my issues, I don't have a job, I can't find a lover, I am not getting a reply from her, I don't care what my parents think, I am gay and so piss off, I an aiming for a scholarship, I am going to win that tournament, I hate my landlord, my colleagues are lazy and so on.

The interesting thing is that we enjoy this seperation between "us" and "them". Because it indirectly gives us power to feel bigger and better than "them" and so, I ought to help them poor souls. Sometimes for every bit of charity we do, it is proper to ponder upon our motivations. The driving point must never be out of self-aggrandizement, to improve one's influence and status. Ultimately, the end result is for us to feel good. Whatever we do in life, to be honest is to make ourselves feel good. Everything we engage in from donating to killing, it is to feel good. It is always me, me and me. We offer our seat to an old lady because it feels good to give-up our right for a better cause. How magnanimous!

So, before we declare love for another, think and re-think, if you should say it to a mirror or to the person?

I didn't lie! I swear!

Your EQ is 167

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

My oh my...167

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

True so true...I write, translate and read law. I love reading too.

You Are 100% Psychic

You are so very psychic. But you already predicted that, didn't you? You have "the gift" - and you use it daily to connect with others. You're very tapped into the world around you... Just make sure to use your powers for good!

Are You Psychic?

Speechless...

Your Vocabulary Score: A

Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary! You must be quite an erudite person.

How's Your Vocabulary?

Oh.... I don't know the meaning of multifarious!

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

What's Your Personality Type?

Writer...hmmm...

G5 says...

The new 007, Daniel Craig looks like Gollum with a Hercules body-built. He is not dashing, good looking, sexy or even cute. He does not have style, is not gentle, romantic, handsome and articulate. So, why Craig as Bond, James Bond?

Let me start by saying that we all make-up Bond to be either the Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan type. To be fair, the films portray him to be so. Bond must always be near perfection. The bad boy that every man wants to be and the every woman wants to have. This is all fine because Bond is an image of how a fearless and high IQ secret agent ought to be. But has he always been like this?

Casino Royale is Ian Fleming's first 007 novel and only now has it been adapted into a film. And so as a novice, Bond is careless, egoistical, rough and unpolished. He is more of a British Secret Service hitman than a secret agent. He lecks the posture and charm of an experienced spy. The story starts of with Bond killing his first two victims, traitors of the service. After completing this mission, he is promoted to the desirable 007 status. Next, he has been assigned his first task, as 007, after much consideration by M when he had shown no dexterity and humility in carrying out his duties.

Bond walks around with a big chip on his shoulders. But, of course, because he is fresh and overtly confident. In Casino Royale, Bond becomes emotional because he has no clue as to what a 007 is, in person. It is a professional job but it involves killing and being new at it, the question of morality plays ruthlessly in his mind.

In other words, Craig did great in portraying an unrefined Bond. He acts tough but is lost most of the time. He defies orders, breaks into M's apartment, busts into an embassy and stops at nothing to prove himself right. He feels pain and in many ways are more realistic compared with the other Bond's characterisations. At the end of the story, it provides for an explanation as to why Bond becomes the man he is in the other series of the novel, which ironically have been made into films first; the womaniser, arrogant, untrusting, suspicious and emotionally detached son of a gun.

Craig is attractive in ways that brought out the other side of Bond that the audience didn't know about. A dashing-handsome Bond would have failed at doing this. The film needed a raw, uncut and elementary image of 007.

G5 believes that the Craig-Bond combination added a human touch to the super-cool Bond character. Last but not least, Craig's muscles are a big bite to chew-on!

似 夢 迷 離

情 痴 總 有 缺 陷 　 情 深 總 要 別 離 　
天 意 愛 弄 人 　 誰 人 可 退 避 ？
時 光 幾 次 錯 漏 　 人 海 幾 次 傳 奇 。
聚 了 又 分 　 愛 情 似 夢 迷 離 ！

如 果 可 以 抉 擇 　 能 否 一 切 暫 停 　
將 我 這 份 情 　 來 重 新 鑑 定 　
誰 逼 使 我 冷 漠 ？ 誰 勾 起 我 共 鳴 ？
沒 法 望 清 這 時 這 份 濃 情 ！

面 對 去 或 留 　 彷 徨 怎 決 定 ？
為 何 熱 戀 不 應 該 愛 慕 的 你 ？
曾 也 盡 努 力 　 求 共 你 一 起 　
無 奈 這 天 意 難 逃 避 ！

流 乾 所 有 眼 淚 　 來 演 一 剎 傳 奇 　
在 歲 月 中 愛 情 繼 續 流 離 。
是 甜 是 苦 　 愛 情 似 夢 迷 離 ！

'bout turn

Left brain
1.identifies words
2.assigns meaning
3.follows rules and schedules
4.interprets
5.factual and detailed
6.emotionally positive
7.analyzes
8.uses symbols & ideas for sensations
9.orderly
10.critical
11.anxious
12.methodical
13.classifies and judges
14.processes sequentially
15.linear
16.objectifies

Right brain
1.identifies patterns
2.assigns value
3.follows daydreams and impulses
4.imagines
5.visual and conceptual
6.emotionally negative
7.synthesizes
8.values sensation for itself
9.spontaneous
10.dreamy
11.suspicious
12.random
13.plays and responds
14.processes simultaneously
15.meandering
16.animates

james morrison

...sometimes I feel so full of love...

...it just comes spilling out...

...it's uncomfortable to see...

...I give it away too easily....

And I know that it's a wonderful world

But I can't feel it right now

Well I thought I was doing well

But I just want to cry now

Well I know it's a wonderful world

From the sky down to the sea

But I can only see it

if...

you

are

here,

here

with

me

excerpt taken from song titled "Wonderful World"

black.gray.white

Part I of the golf tournament is over. I am one shade darker. Part II continues in KL, Monday and three days later, I would have a burnt out tan. I stocked-up bottles of sunblock, UV protection lotion and moisteuriser from Banana Boat to Nivea.

To be honest, this job is very tough and strenuous. I am already half dead. I don't play golf and am not actually in favour of it. Although I know she used to play golf, it does not ignite the slightest wave in me. Sometimes I don't even know why the organisers have to work so hard for a game of golf. They are basically a two-men-and-one-woman team. Yes, and they initiated the beginning of what might be a monumental golf tour in Asia. Big sponsors are coming in and they find great commercial values from their supporting of the tour.

Waking me up from ignorance is a 12 year old boy. He plays golf and is fantastically talented at it. He takes the game seriously and at the same time has fun. He talks about it to me with so much of passion that I felt ashamed of my narrow view regarding the tournament. Then it suddenly hit me that the kid-golfer's ambition is keeping the entire golf arena alive. Without people like him and his father who sacrificed so much for his son's golf education, no one would play golf.

I may not share the same type of passion with him and the organisers, but I experienced their commitment. And it is this commitment that keeps me grounded and focused to my job. It is the very commitment that motivates me to persevere. I may not be able to perceive golf the way the 12 year kid does. But I can look at him the way I do, which is with admiration and respect. For this, life is indeed beautiful.

membrane treatment

I am not home now and I don't feel agitated. Despite what happened today, it did not blemish my spirit. In fact, I am rather enjoying many moments that unfold within them strings of surprises.

For instance, I walked along Orchard road where Takashimaya was parked on my right for 4 times trying to hail a cab. I didn't succeed, of course. Then I called my friend SJ for help. He said to get off Orchard road and try to stop a cab from somewhere else. Good idea! So, I joyfully strolled to Wisma Atria, next to it was the MRT station. I went to Newton and suddenly all the Christmas lights disappeared. In their place were dim shadows of unnoticed trees and plane Jane street lamps. But I still had to que for a cab, at least I was third in line. It was already 10.20pm, even the road looked exhausted after a long day of grinding. Standing behind me were 3 Indonesian ladies, on holidays. We started talking, not to kill time but to just be there with each other like sisters.

Thanks so much SJ, for taking me in for the night.

It will be an adventurous day at the golf course tomorrow, awfully challenging as well. Maybe I am getting old but I prefer a nice and quiet day of writng and translating. Too much of action drains me to the bone. However, I have been secluded lately. I need the sunshine.

Things are not that bad after all because I found the Fila watch that I was looking for. I bought the baby blue version, code number 08! The 06 is way too red-hot for me to handle. It suits someone else better. Blue tranquilises and soothes my soul.

Every time I look at the new watch, I smile.

reflex

I have been angry the whole day. The smallest of thing annoyed me. What seemed to be benign a few hours before suddenly became the most irritating object. It is not that a thing or the people that pissed me off. I don't quite know what brought about this anger. It could be due to the discovering of a lie and it involved money and friendship. However this only occurred much later at night. The discovery merely added to the already fuming heat.

What I feel now is that I am extremely guilty for getting mad. I am more upset because of the guilt that is sawing on every bit of my anger. I am feeling all sorts of mixed emotions from anger to hatred to jealousy and the list of "I shouldn't feel this way bla bla bla" is enlarging the issues.

Awareness without the denial of actual feelings is granting me space to grow. I sit down to watch myself hop from one emotion to another. And each time I do that, I create the most ridiculous reason and story to justify why the entire world is wrong. How much of emphasis have been placed on what I want and demand to generate such thoughts, I wonder.

I find that I must constantly pull my "true self" back to actual reality from a reality that is formed on illusions such that I don't fall for the judgements of others as if it is a true depiction of who I am. In fact, is the "I" a valid subject to focus on?

"I am hurt." It shows that the "I" is seperate from the hurt; that hurt is brought upon me by someone else's actions. But then, I am only hurt if I am hurtABLE. So, who is hurting the "I"?

I am THAT hurt and it is not something that others force on me. I am THAT hurt and it is the only reason why I can get hurt. And once I see it for real and not as an intellectual exercise, I feel it in my guts, I experience how stupid it is to keep on satisfying the "I" that everyone else believes is the real me.

The "I" is an image. The "I" gets hurt very easily because the "I" has very strong pride. What can be done to the "I"? I don't know but I think I have to accept and love my "I" and not feel guilty that I got angry. If love can shift mountains, love can tame the ego.

grace

We very often claim to know a person based on memories. You know, what this person did or didn't do, what was said and what were their reactions in the past. The past sets precedence for the future. These factors formulate for us the characteristics of a person. And if we see a person doing the same thing again and again, it is a norm for us to conclude that he or she will do it forever. It becomes a habit. Habits are acceptable conditioned behaviours. This draws out the dutiful teeth brushing ventures in the morning, at least. And so it becomes a repetitive act of moving a brush up and down in our mouth. We do it because we have been doing it for eons.

But then, can we turn brushing our teeth to not become a habit? Ah, please don't get the idea of not brushing every day but at random. Remember that what becomes stale is not the act itself but the intention. An act becomes boring because we are no longer interested. It is the mind, our thinking that drags boredom into the picture.

Just like in relationships, we get tired of routines because if yesterday was bad, we hope for tomorrow to be better. Should yesterday be better, then tomorrow must be betterER and so on. But how come the person I love is still the same piece of shit? What is wrong with wanting a good, excellent and spectacular future? I don't think it is wrong and I don't think it is right either. If we do stop to ponder, we glaringly notice that TODAY is the future that we hoped for yesterday. Every second becomes the past and future is the next breath we take.

I am not propounding that we should give up on inventing and improving lives. We should engage in such activites even more. But if the future is a fight, then we will compete with each other to secure the betteREST outcomes. On the other hand, if we accept and are aware that the future is only a concept declared by the mind, we will not fight, compete, destroy and control one another. There is nothing to fear. We realise that we create our future in our minds. The focus will then shift from competition to complimenting one another; working together. Because then we also are aware that external factors are excuses used to excert authority over those referred to as weak or wrong.

The next time you determine the character of a person based on events of the past - pause - observe with a fresh mind for surprises that will tear you away from habits.

never say never

I am not giving up on you.

open

I am a passionate, caring, loving and powerful woman.

I am honest and trustworthy.

run the mile

What stands in between a person and her dreams? I think it should be limiting beliefs, the most cruel opinion is I can't do it. Maybe things are not as bad as they are but waiting can rip every cel from my body.

I met a very experienced film producer today. She offered me a chance to shine. It is a fantastic avenue to get real and be involved in an internationally recognised project. It takes more than commitment and confidence. It requires serious dedication. I don't know what I have to contribute but it would mean everything. I am on the team.

Next, someone is trying to write me about a long dead and gone issue, technically. But it is making me feel guilty. I feel very uncomfortable and I ask why? Waiting kills...

november

I am very happy that the month of November is filled with work and excitement. I can't wait for things to happen; film projects, Tarot promotions and spiritual experiences. 2006 is almost ending and I have discovered much more about myself through the various trainings that I attended. I am aware of my bad vibes and how I can create a lot of space for good and positive vibrations to enter.

However, I have to admit that I do miss the days when Sally and Loletta were in KL. Love you two ladies soooooooo much.

love is a wonderfully crazy thing

It is good to admire beauty, but it is neither good nor practical to want to take beauty home, put it on a shelf, and say, "You stay right there." When we see something beautiful, we may begin to want it for ourselves. It may be a dramatic house, it may be a lovely flower, it may be a graceful dancer - we just want it. If this wanting becomes a compulsion, it is likely we will lose what we want so much.

Jealousy comes into a relationship when we try to possess someone for ourselves. It is a very difficult secret to discover: that when we do not want to possess another person selfishly, when we do not make demand after demand, the relationship will grow and last. And it is something we have to learn the hard, hard way. This is the secret of all relationships, not only between husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, but between friend and friend, parents and children. Instead of trying to exact and demand, just give, and give more, and give still more. This is the way to earn love and respect.

E.E.

owtfgfia

Sally & Loletta

the most adorable and lovable women in the world

...having a good time...

for everyone who can't freely love

There will never be a time when I can love you
That day is brightly bleak
Like the dark ways my love grows
Each minute you step further
I am closer to the truth
I will never see you again.

I don't love you because you are beautiful
I don't love you because you are fair
For if I know why I love you
The moon gently flies to the wolf
then the lonesome howling stops -
to a call for an answer home.

I love you because I do and not because I should
In these lines I confess I am a fool
To give my heart to a smile
But not when Romeo kisses Juliet
I don't play his part -
You are not a romance that hangs on a kite.

I love you because you are you
I can't love you because I am me
If I am you and you are me; I wonder -
Would you love me?
Or is this love just to you
Since I am on the other team.

I don't know where I will be
A million years from now
An atomic-burger digested by cosmic storm
Your being glues to my core
The final dance destroys not
Your kindess and trust, my love.

special olympics

A few years ago at the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100 yard dash.

At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with a relish to run the race to the finish and win. All, that is, except one boy who stumbled onthe asphalt, tumbled over a couple of times and began to cry. The other eight heard the boy. They slowed down and looked back. They all turned around and went back. Every one of them.

One girl with Down's Syndrome bent down and kissed himand said, "This will make it better." All nine linked arms and walked across the finish line together.

Everyone in the stadium stood, and the cheering went on for several minutes. People who were there are still telling the story. Why? Because deep down we know one thing.

What matters most in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What truly matters in this life is helping others win, even if it means slowing down and changing our course.

metta

May there be peace, trust and compassion on earth.

I send you love and light.

bravo

Detachment from likes and dislikes, habits and opinions, is not a sign of weakness. It is an enormously strong and positive quality. Nor does freedom from likes and dislikes mean that life is insipid for us, but rather that we are not driven compulsively by rigid ways of thinking. Even if we don't get what we want - or if we do get what we don't want - we can still function cheerfully and efficiently.

Detachment from habits does not mean that we have no habits. Good habits can be very useful to cultivate in life. But we should be able to change our habits gracefully, or drop them altogether when necessary, especially if we learn that they are harmful to us or are not exactly endearing us to those around us. If we are used to a cup of coffee every morning with our breakfast and one morning we discover that we are out of coffee, we don't say, "I can't function without my coffee," and go back to bed. We should be able to say cheerfully, "I'll have tea instead - or soy milk."

E.E.

one step at a time

I have a dream and it is about something not necessary. It is what I always label to be an external fulfilment. But as long as I live in this world, so must I continue to playing its game. My desires, goals, feelings and negative dispositions are the concepts that the mind conjure. It is my only task to seperate truth from falsity.

I don't feel that I am coerced in to choosing between what is right and wrong. Because once I am debating in the realm of right and wrong, any decision I make is out of confusion and delusion. Then how can the question of what is right and wrong be a right question to ask?

Whenever a feeling operates from the ego or image, it is also operating from selfishness. Then I am taking from the person I declare to love. And that whoever comes near to the person I love, I feel threatened and try to defend my position. Whenever I work from the ego, each project is for a self-gratifying purpose. Then I only do things that benefit me. What is in it for me? Do I look good? Will I feel good?

Maybe no questions should be asked at all. Whatever feelings, emotions and actions that arise; they are synchronised incidents. It is what it is.

What I resist persists.

amore

Loletta Chu - Miss Hong Kong 1977

She walks in grace and charm.

She walks in strength and compassion.

What a beauty! What a woman!

An Interesting excerpt:

Lewi says:
the loletta pix looks modern, does not look like something taken in the 70's. she is beautiful.

Wendy - WenWenG5 says:
Gosh...it is not taken in the 70's, dear. Look at the date on the top right corner, it states 2005 in the month of December!!!!

Lewi says:
holy golly! how old is loletta now? was she 5 when she won Ms HK?

Wendy - WenWenG5 says:
47

Lewi says:
can't be true. i don't believ you.

tomb

I can't recall as to when did my good friend recommend Studs Terkel's works to me; maybe about a month ago. I only took time to look for his book yesterday. The theme of this book is "death". It is highly provocative since many will avoid this indelible certainty like a plague. However Terkel interviewed a variety of people about this issue and they eleborated on it with ease. From fire fighters to actors, no one ran away from the eyes of death.

Terkel did not write about "death" from the religious nor the secular point of view. He went knocking from door to door and asked people about it. After all, Terkel is a well known and respected American oral historian.

A hilarious event happened when purchasing the book. I went to a particular bookshop and conducted a search on one of its computers for this title. When the results came back, the book was listed under the "DEATH" category. I was shocked and within seconds burst out laughing. I seriously have not seen a "DEATH" category anywhere in the bookshop.

So, I gracefully skipped over to the information counter and inquired on this issue. Even the sales assistant couldn't help but to smile bashfully at me. After going through the computer, he said, "Come miss, I will show you where "DEATH" is."

I replied, "Death oh Death! I embrace thee with love!"

shout

The only person who knows me is me. It is a grave mistake to hope for others to relate to me because I find until today that no one is listening to each other. Even I don't.

Happy Friday the 13th! Have fun.

misunderstood

Maybe it is a fetish or to be honest, I enjoy the attention. I always liked to be different. In other words, I like to be a nerd, someone who is alienated because I am not a photocopy of everyone else.

But I would like to share with you that everyone is a nerd. We are all different. We can like the same thing, for example we enjoy a game of tennis. We go fishing together. It is impossible to be completely alike. We can on the surface pretend to be a flock of sheep wearing A&F t-shirts, Versace jeans and Nike shoes. However, I can tell you that deep down you just want to scream out and say "Hei! Look at me! I am not like them. I am unique! Don't mistake me for them."

So before we tease poor Mr and Ms Wallpaper, take a look in the mirror and see a dumb-nerd smiling back.

5 wood

Happy Birthday, Forest (the Prince among the 3 Golden Flowers - not the orange guy at the back)

From fan to friend

Singing hand-in-hand

Travelling across the land

Happy until the end.

oink

MY NEW CHU-PIG FAMILY

Pigs are fantastically cute, for obvious reasons.

connections

I believe it was Danielle Steel who wrote in her magnificient book, "The Gift" that some people are meant to stay forever in our lives while some are there for just one moment in time. I can't remember the exact words. Whatever the time period, these beautiful folks have touched my life with their sincerity, love, kindness, HONESTY and compassion. I am thankful that you are all in my life whether for just 6 days or 15 years. You have impressed upon me the truth of sharing, unity and caring. I know that some of you may have been rude to me and that I have hurt you too. Irrespective of the consequences, I have faith in the core of your goodness; that behind the image of being a tough, strong and demanding person lies a giving, loving and gentle soul. I treasure each second that I spend with you and each second is eternity.

you're beautiful

I am not a presentable singer and I am no where near being one. But I always imagine singing for my idol, Sally Yeh. Her voice is of course flawless and extremely mesmerising. Mine pales in comparison to hers. However, I thought it would be special if I could sing for her after listening to her voice for 15 years. Believe it or not, I did. It was on her birthday that we went to the karaoke. Her badminton-friends are warm, friendly and fun. They insisted that the fans must sing. So, I gathered-up my courage and sang my heart out. I sang "Wah Lai Yuen" and "Lan Hua Cao"; both of which are songs by Sally. But the best song that I sang that night was "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt. I love it!

the birthday bash!!!

smashin'

The 13th World Chinese Badminton Championship was held in Puchong, Malaysia from September 29th - October 1st. Being an august event, the ambassador of the International Badminton Federation, Sally Yeh was invited to grace the occasion. It is unfortunate that she sprained her calf muscle a week ago. Therefore, she could not take part in the game. Her best friend, Loletta Chu who was former Miss Hong Kong participated with the rest of the Hong Kong team. Although she didn't win, she surely put up a tough fight against one of China's top female player, Chen Ping; taking into account that Loletta is not a professional player while Chen is.

I must add that the venue, Michael's Badminton Academy is not a fantastic choice to hold such competitions because it is very stuffy in there - extremely poor ventilation and bad sanitation.

Birthday Girl SALLY!

Fans of Sally are lucky that she spent her birthday in Malaysia. So, there I was having a good time at two birthday parties with Sally. Isn't Sally adorable?

An autographed t-shirt from Sally.

The shopping group - Sally, Loletta, Jessica, Denise and me went shopping at Mid Valley and KLCC for one whole day! Sally and Loletta are great shoppers and they really mean business when they shop! But still I had so much of fun that day.

G5 - Loletta's bodyguard

Thrash those damn magazine reports and Hong Kong paparazzi who chased after Loletta. I don't understand why must the media create untrue stories to increase sales of their publications. I personally kicked some arse when she was harassed by the media. Being followed and questioned by the paparazzi is irritating and dangerous, I know how it feels now. Loletta is too decent and nice to be treated this way.

persistence

A tree is known by its fruit; we by our deeds. A good deedis never lost; one who sows courtesy reaps friendship, andone who plants kindness gathers love.

- Saint Basil

I am the first to admit that it takes a lot of endurance to mend a relationship, especially when your efforts seem to be met with indifference. When you start giving another person your best, especially in an emotionally entangled relationship, he may not notice it for weeks. This kind of indifference can really sting. You want to go up to him, tap him on the shoulder, and say, "Hello, Thomas, I've just beenkind to you." Thomas would say, "Oh, thank you, I didn't even know it" - not because he was trying to be rude, but because he was preoccupied with himself.

To be patient and go on giving your best, you can't have expectations about how other people are going to respond. You can't afford to ask, "Does he like me? Does he even care?" What does it matter? You're growing. You're learning how to rub off the edges and corners that make human relationships difficult. You are becoming the kind of person that everyone wants to be with, that everyone admires and feels comfortable with.

E.E.

theme

Song : The Reason by Hoobastank

i'm not a perfect person. there are many things i wish i didnt do
but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you

i'm sorry that i hurt, its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears, thats why i need you to hear

i'm not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i've found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know
a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you


*****

I repeatledly listened to this song in the last four days. Each time I did, I thought about the people in my life whom I have allowed to slip and fall. People I professed to love and care but I didn't stand-up for. I am not elavating my status by placing myself higher in rank than everyone else. I am no where near to being perfect.

However, when I focus out of myself and onto others, I feel them. I have fallen in love with people. This world is no longer about me and what I want. In the pursuit of my dreams, I am doing so in relation to other people. No man is an island and we are not self-sufficient. We need support, family, friends, care, love and for others to listen to us. Listening is a powerful exercise. When I listen to a friend with every part of body, mind and spirit; the entire ambience in the room shifted. I no longer hear the formation and sound of words but I intuitively feel her feelings. The throbbing pain she experienced around her heart region becomes mine.

It is normal that we only listen to those who share common problems with us. We rarely care about the success and happiness they are experiencing. Even if we do, we try to find faults and to criticise out of jealousy and envy. Can we put our needs aside for ten minutes and listen with joy and love to what another wishes to share?

When conversing with anyone, we tend to find an opportunity to tell our victim stories too. If friend A talks about her love life, specifically about her first love, we race down our memory lane to locate our first love romance. Is this really sharing or is it a chance for us to unload our personal stories without truly listening to one another?

the reason

Many things happened lately. I can't even begin to describe the intensity of the experiences I went through. So, let me start by saying that I am not a perfect person. There were many things that I shouldn't have done and I will continue to face limitless breakdowns. This is something that I live with everyday, forever. Mistakes and failures will occur without warning. I will be hurt, rejected, disappointed, ridiculed and left behind. But this is good news because I then have an opportunity to improve and to grow. Life cannot be more fulfilling than this. Everything that I do, I am passionate about it. Accidents don't happen. All events occur for a reason. The problem is that not every person gets the messages urgently and takes them seriously. So we go through life leaping from one life boat to another. Nothing spectacular happens because "I am not good enough".

As for me, life is great. I have never felt so much of pain than in the last few days, but life is still great. Even with my imperfections, I will give, love and care for everyone.

Carpe Diem. Seize the day, my friends before we are fed to the fishes in the sea.

it's all coming back

If I have to choose one person other than my parents, one person who shaped my mind and personality; it will be the lady who offered me M & M's and chocolates every time I visited her. She always kept a bottle of the colourful-chocolate-pebbles in her office. Whenever I ran to her for help regarding school work or just to chat, she passed me the bottle.

She showered me with kindness when no one cared or worse, they thought poorly of me. I was ostracized because I was unattractively me. I didn't try to be like them.

Many years lapsed since I left school but memories of her are engraved onto every cel in my body. In fact, when the ride is rough, her kindess and compassion kept me going. Deep down, I know that once upon a time, a nerdy and constantly baffled teenager was salvaged by a caring teacher.

She didn't only teach me law, but she showed to me how to be a person of integrity. There was an incident that brought to light the bulwark of fairness. She protected me against a group of teachers who shamelessly joked about a self-made Teacher's Day card I gave her. Somehow, a law student can't giver her teacher a card of love and appreciation. It became the talk of the town, for reasons I never understood. It was branded "uncool", I was told.

The fabulous news is that she liked the card. I was happy. Not only because she defended me and as a result infuriated her colleagues, but because she stood up for what she believed was right.

We drifted apart after I graduated. I don't know why. Although I talk and think of her regularly. I reckon I praised her endlessly in front of many of my friends. By chance, a classmate of mine met her at a law conference. My name was being mentioned and she remembers nearly everything about me.

It is all coming back now. Time to pick-up the telephone. She no longer lives in my past. I feel her presence once more.

starry poster

star lab

I went for a haircut. My hair is very short now. It happens every six months or so. I have the habit of letting it grow and when I am irritated, crop crop crop.

Ah! Look at the food and how I gracefully attack them. But the point of this photo is my unkempt hair. Yes, I do resemble Hong Kong veteran actress / host, Lydia Sum. (Not anymore)

*************

These will be used as promotional material during the short film festival.

Good luck!

starry starry night

Our short film titled Twinkle Twinkle Big Big Star reached the finals. We will be competing against 7 other finalists this Sunday, August 13th. I look forward to seeing what happens in the end. I used to believe that it does not matter if no one else watches the films I produce or a piece of art I create. Now I realised that this is purely a politically correct statement. Not that it matters - it is not a question of whether it matters or not - but it feels like standing naked in front of a group of strangers. People who would either love, hate or ignore your work. The film-makers are judged and analysed by critics and everyone. What is produced on screen reflects the soul of the makers. I am curious. Is that really me?

simplicity

Sometimes what lies ahead can be frightening. The legs are heavy therefore, movement is impossible. Fear creeps in and the stomach knots in to a fist. As the cobra extends its hood like wings, every nerve of your body tensed into rigidity. One strike and it is over. You feel its paralysing venom sipping into your blood.

But what do you do when a King Cobra coincides face to face with you?

"Dad, it’s a snake."

"Ssshs! Shut-up, Sean. And don't move!” Mitch warned his son.

Five-year-old Sean looked curiously at his father who was weltered in sweat. His entire body weight was resting on his elbows. After 5 minutes he had problems fixing on one position. He started to tumble to the side. However, his eyes never left the piercing cold stare of the cobra. Its forked-tongue vibrating to a faint "hsss".

"Can we keep him as a pet?"

"Sean, if you don't shut the f*** up, we will die!"

"Why?"

"Because the slightest wrong move will anger the snake to attack us!"

"Then we make him happy. I will give him my candy bar."

Sean immediately pulled out a packet of sweets from his pocket and waved it in front of the snake.

"Dad, Mr. Snake likes candies." he giggles.

"Put that down and stop moving!" His muscles tightened as he tried to stop Sean from getting up.

But something long and slippery that glided over his legs halted him.

"I am going to die!" he screamed and pushed Sean away. He lay flat on the floor and watched the cobra swim between Sean and him.

Its head suddenly jerked-up preparing to seal Mitch’s fate. There was no time for Mitch to say his last prayers and to think of his son. He didn’t want to die.

However the cobra was behaving strangely. Instead of crunching its fangs into Mitch’s flash, it hovered above his chest in a ceremonial fashion as if to make fun of him. It slowly rotates its upper body to look at Sean.

Mitch released a sigh of relief. “Anyone but me,” he thought.

He turned his head to watch the cobra swaying left and right in front of Sean. Sean laughed and played with it as if the lethal reptile was made of rubber. There was not a splinter of fear in his eyes. The camaraderie lasted for a few minutes.

The cobra puts an end to delicate swinging. It erected its body to full attention. Sean extended his hand to touch its head and simultaneously, the cobra politely bowed at him.

As fast as lightning, the cobra swiveled around to face Mitch. Its menacing forked-tongue pulsated before his nose.

“Hsssss…heartless coward…hsssss!” were heard escaping from its tongue.

The cobra gently slithered out of the store room. Mitch believed that he had imagined hearing the snake speak to him. The impending danger must have caused him to hallucinate.

"Shiva,” Sean said.

“What?”

“Mr. Snake told me his name is Shiva.”

adventure

Slumber:
I am so tired now I could sleep while typing. But a strange energy is keeping me awake to complete this posting. I would also like to find out how much better I can express myself this way.

Clarks:
I said goodbye to my pair of sandals. They walked many difficult and yet memorable paths and finally retired . My feet were well protected except from splashes of falling water from the sky. Many stories could be told from a pair of shoes. I wonder what were mine. Maybe I will pay closer attention to the new protector.

Dinner:
We had seafood ranging from delicious butter & cheese crab to clams. There were four of us; good company is the real flavour of food.

Music:
I am listening to Taiwan's everlasting singer, Cai Qin. This album is a soundtrack of a Taiwanese stage play. She sings and narrates certain parts of the play. Her deep voice keeps things simple, just like Chinese words. A single character is sufficient to tell an entire epic.

Blanket:
It is time to rest. Good night.

twinkle2 big2 star

As I was looking through the photographs, I noticed how much fun we had making this short film. There were not many high-tech equiptments and sophisticated lighting. In fact, we were stripped to the bare minimum. However, what we had were solid acting and a reasonably workable script. Not to forget, our cinematographer tried so hard to get the best angle possible. His dedication and seriousness attracted all of our admiration for him.

There is always the issue of not having enough time. Despite working under quite stringent circumstances, every actor gave his and her best performance. It was amazing. Some acted for the first time but this did not prevent their talent from surfacing. Even when asked to perform some rather challenging acts, not one actor turned down the request and said, "No!". The enthusiasm and strength shown by everyone involved are the driving force behind this film.

The explosion - I didn't mean to blow-up that night and I don't think I can or should give any excuses for doing so. It was no one's fault, honest. There are many ways to discussing an issue. So, my sincere apologies.

I hope that we can work on another project soon. Thank you very much. This is our film.

PS: Click on the picture for its larger version.

2 days

Everything is Illuminated or is it?

Two more days before I receive the photos. I intend to create a collage and post it here and I will write about what happened. It is a note of thanks and an explanation. I am not perfect and I have my bad moments. These moments are a nightmare for some and maybe others would symphatise. Not everything occurs for a reason that is comprehensible. For the time being, I will keep mum. When an answer is demanded from me openly or implicitly, it makes things very difficult as I already have plans to deal with the issue. I care for the project and a lot more for the people involved than anybody can understand. So it does hurt very much. Two more days and I hope I can provide for everyone a satisfactory answer.

api

When you go to a sushi bar, do you pay attention to the cooks who diligently make the sushi that circulate on the kaitan belt? Your eyes are busy scouting for your favourite sushi, while the hands are reaching for a can of wasabi and the head is thinking about school work, unpaid credit card bills or the latest movie. If not, you are busy chatting away with friends.

It is not weird or unacceptable to smile at the cooks and to notice how swiftly their fingers dance; stuffing rice into a piece of folded sea-weed. Their eyes concentrating on how the salmon should be arranged neatly.

My sis and I frequent a local sushi bar and it is a popular chain-store in KL. On one faithful day we made friends with a sushi chef. Something in the way she moved and crafted the sushi captured our attention. She was fast and yet precise, firm and at the same time gentle. From the instructions she issued, it was clear that she ranked higher than the other cooks. No matter how seriously she focused on her work, her voice and demeanour was always polite. She seemed rather strict and we tried our best to smile at her. She smiled back.

From that moment, we became her supporters. It is amazing how she responds to us each time we eat there. We know her name because she wore a name tag. Nevertheless, she doesn't know ours until now. We never had any formal conversation other than "Hi and bye".

The special treatment started on the third time we met her at the same sushi joint. We couldn't see her from outside and wondered if she was at work. So we asked the receptionist if she was in. To my surprise the receptionist said she was and immediately took off like an arrow into the kitchen to inform our special chef that some girls were there to see her.

I looked at my sis and we both hoped that we could each put on a mask to cover our faces. Left with no choice we sat down around the kaitan belt wondering if our chef would be angry with us. To be honest, we are not her friends. We were just regular customers and she does not own the sushi joint. She works there. She might not like to be disturbed.

Before we could device a plan, the kitchen door flung opened and there comes our special chef stretching her neck finding the girls who asked for her. At that point, I knew she didn't recognise us but I thought it was rude if I didn't surrender myself.

Feeling a gush of blood to my cheeks, I raised my hand to wave at her. She immediately spotted me and charmed who I was. She smiled and said "Hi!". My sis was laughing and covering her face with the menu. By way of gesture, she asked who was that giggling and hiding. I pulled down the menu and she exclaimed, "Oh!" and smiled cheerfully to my sis. She signaled to us that she was busy in the kitchen but would come out later. Actually, we were relieved that she was not annoyed.

We placed our orders and while enjoying our sukiyaki beef, she came out from the kitchen and made her way to behind the kaitan belt. She asked with a smile on her face, "Two California temaki hand rolls and one nishoku special?" We nodded with joy like kids who have been given two big bags of sweets.

The hidden message that we will only eat the hand rolls and nishoku she made reached her by unknown methods. I don't know how and why but she naturally gave us personal attention every time we hop in. She would take time off from her kitchen work to attend to us. After that, she goes back into the kitchen. We hardly talk to her. We only smile and smile and smile. That was miraculously enough to initiate a meaningful relationship!

We will tell her face to face that she is very nice. The hand rolls and sushi that she customised for us taste juicier and sweeter because she has a kind heart.

I know that you pay for the food. However, I hope the next time you walk into a eating-place, appreciate the cook who prepares your food. You will never know what surprises will spring-up at you.

Happy eating!

hands

It is irritating when a group of young male adults sitting near you start talking in a foreign language. They do not only talk but giggle, joked and make funny faces; in a fashion that you can guess they were dishonouring another person from their gestures and tone of voice. The question is who were they teasing?

Since you couldn’t understand a word they colourfully expressed and being the only person within their target area, you feel threatened. At that point of time you wish that English wasn’t the only language you spoke in an Asian country.

I know it is unfair for me to judge the three boys and conclude that they were gossiping about me in an unknown tongue. I should perhaps blame in on the fact that I didn’t learn their language well at school.

But then they were looking at me with such disturbing eyes and the smirk on their faces told everything about their speech. Maybe they didn’t like my “Superman” logo t-shirt.

Furthermore when someone is talking about you, the little voice in your heart buzzes your senses. You just know it. Has it not happened to you before?

What else could I do but to play dumb?

I continued reading for the rest of the journey. However I was deviously watching their reflections from the window. I couldn’t see very much but they didn’t stop their pranks for one second. The chubby boy kept pushing his skinny friend’s head or performing other childish acts. The nerdy-looking boy was trying hard to keep-up with his friends’ domineering actions. One could tell that he was slower.

Although I found them annoying at the beginning, after observing their silly mimics and foolish chatters, they were only having fun.

We arrived at the station. I stepped out of the train as fast as I could. There was a short set of steps leading from the platform to the turnstile where we lodge our tickets.

As I took the last step I heard their laughter and turned to look. That was when I realized the nerdy-looking boy was a polio victim. His legs were incredibly thin and his feet curved in. From the back, his pair of legs seemed like twisted wires. He had troubles walking. Each step he took, his entire hip swayed either to the left or right. To keep balanced, both his hands have to be extended out to the side.

He was standing at the top of the steps and there was no way he could descend without falling over. The chubby friend spontaneously gave him a helping hand and with ease, the two friends walked pass me.

I smiled. It was a beautiful night and a magical moment.

starz

Peter meets a lady. He is 23 and she is 38. Their eyes zap together and they couldn’t let go of each other. Is it purely a physical attraction that leads to nothing more than what is inside the pants or something mysterious is working?

Doreen meets a man. She is 27 and he is 40. There is instant bonding. Trust me that many will conclude she is eyeing for the money if he is rich and he is waiting for the body if she is drop dead gorgeous. Can there not be true love?

Love is difficult to define. Perhaps it is not even meant to be defined. It is an overpowering emotion that makes life real. Why is it that one needs to define love?

Because we firstly need to explain to family and friends the reason we love a particular person. Then the person we love demands to know why we love. And finally we need to psychologically appease ourselves by converting feelings into words. Words with prescribed meanings just like the ones I am using to type this essay. These words give to us the security of something we know, a familiar ground to tread on.

Can words truly elucidate what I feel and can you sincerely understand what I feel through many coatings of conditioned words? Can you read without judging? Can I write without judging?

We have a neat filing system in our minds. Who we love and who we only like. The line is distinctively drawn for one cause; to protect ourselves.

The conditions set us into tin soldiers. Why, how, which, who and what we love is pre-determined by words; words that contain the mandate of the society and society teaches us the right way to behave.

How else do we know the way to rationalize our feelings? How to calm raving emotions?

Someone told me once, “You don’t love me. You only love an image of me. If you get to know me and see who I am, you probably won’t love me as much.”

I tell you that it is not a fact. Nothing is immutable. Everything changes constantly. You can’t quantify love or bottle it up in a container. To love you have to give and must not be afraid to be hurt. You have to move on.

Have you ever held someone in your arms and feel love?